I wake up in a horror, as if from a terrible dream. My lungs try to expand, heaving my chest to its limits, but I am trapped under the weight of something immense.
Dr. Arthur Simon’s Log 2.08.2016 9:38 a.m. Today was my first session with a new patient named Cupid.
With a little luck, you might even get a job. Welcome to the rat race!
Now that we have at least scratched the surface of my belief system, let’s test it with a viewpoint that will take a lot more rationalizing: The fact that I find other people’s stubbornness unacceptable.
As new editors of the Humor section, we assume you know nothing about us, and we would like to change that.
So, yes, this semester I’ll think about if I should finally get my life together but not as much as I’ll think about if I should copyright my nudes in the cloud.
This country was built by men with wooden teeth, but this is the 21st century.
Here are some thoughts from me to you about what you may perhaps be facing when you leave the safe, warm, bosom of our dear University where everything is always okay all the time and nobody is ever troubled by matters of race or sexual violence.
Rejoice, my many readers! Or, if we’re being honest about my readership, rejoice, my parents’ Facebook friends! I finally cleaned my room!
Do you feel left out when everyone races to play Super Smash Bros. and yells at tiny things bouncing around a screen for three hours?
For starters, who sets Lufthansa’s inflight menu? There’s probably an entire culinary staff that decides which terrible German cheese to give people for lunch. They don’t need to hand out five-star meals, but serving “cucumber and quark sandwiches” is borderline disrespectful.
From Rugby Road to Vinegar Hill, first-year College student Andrew will NOT be getting drunk tonight.
Now you, the viewers, can decide the last members for this season’s cast, and with your help, it’ll be insane in the membrane (you know, like Cypress Hill, the rap group? We stopped learning about pop culture in the early nineties)!
I’m not a feminist because I hate men. I’m a feminist because I hate my dad.
Dear Wahoos I give you: “Hulu and hang?” And while you may initially be hesitant, let me just take a minute to explain why Hulu is about to reign supreme in the land of video streaming.
Can we blame Yung Lean for finding less creative release in his world tour than his (Louis Louis) duffel bags full of heroin? Whose very first true revelation about the meaning of “Macaroni Time” by Chief Keef came without the recreational use of hard drugs?
Anyway, this is my point: any movie can be a make-out movie. You’re just going to talk for 15 minutes and then barely watch it anyway — why not put on something a little more memorable?
I am a published goddamn writer. Do you know what that means? It means I gave the gift of words to the pleading masses, and they ate it up like a bunch of babies desperately seeking a teet.
The key to achieving your dreams through lying is to start small, to build up a “resume” of sorts. And believe me, your dreams can go much bigger than high school baseball.
Pisces, like the fish, continues to swim upstream, battling against the endless waves of human misery, longing to relax into its current but knowing somewhere in the deepest reaches of its soul that to do so would be a condemnation against all it represents.
