Since Halloween is on a Wednesday this year, I imagine I’ll have to have four different outfits for each night I go out. I can’t decide how to dress: Should I go sexy, funny, ironic, scary? I definitely do not want to end up like Cady Heron in her embarrassing vampire bride costume at that Halloween party. I want something a little more — say, “clutch.” Which outfits seem to be most popular here? Where do I find them?
Halloweekend is a magical and frightening time of year where almost any conceivable costume can be made into a revealing, promiscuous and often generally questionable version of that disguise, a time when dressing up really means dressing down. Child-friendly rabbits turn into Playboy bunnies, any imaginable profession can become instantly X-rated with a dress short enough it couldn’t even pass for a shirt any other night, and there is an inverse relationship between the amount of clothes worn and the costume’s appeal. I would say that about 80 percent of the costumes worn here don’t make sense and 100 percent of the people are too drunk to recognize your costume anyway. Group costumes are always fun as long as you can stay with your group — no one wants to be the lone Spice Girl wandering around a party looking for the Posh, Baby, Scary, and Sporty to her Ginger. If you run out of ideas, in the words of Karen Smith you can always be a mouse … duh.
Dear Mr. Poe,
I’m a first year adjusting well to University life, but I’m really confused by one thing. Why does everyone here love football so much? I just don’t get it. Girls seem to love it just as much as boys, but none of my friends who are girls even know what’s going on. Plus, it’s not like we’re having a great season. Can you explain why everyone is so into football?
Dear Fumbling Firstie,
The most important thing to realize about University football is that a number of students place little importance on the actual football involved in football games. They need to find the perfect sundress to match their pearls while incorporating the appropriate amount of navy and orange into their outfit. They are far more concerned about maintaining a base level of preppiness while trying not to fall down the hill. The team’s success is very weakly correlated with the fans’ enthusiasm, which is definitely a good thing because after years of mediocrity we would have no fans left otherwise. So don’t worry about understanding the game. Just break out your cutest sundress or your preppiest bow tie, find shoes with as much traction as possible to brave the hill and get ready to sing the Good Ol’ Song until your lungs hurt — or more likely just twice.
I’m coughing and sneezing while writing this. Yep, you guessed it. I caught that “bug” going around Grounds. It came during the worst time, too: midterms. Believe me, the bed rest and NyQuil-induced dream sessions are great, but I need to get over this illness. What can I do to recover and prevent myself from getting sick in the future?
Feeling the flu
Dear Feeling the flu,
If you’re as gross as you sound, I suggest getting professional help, for everyone else’s sake as much as your own. Make an appointment at Student Health (924-5362) to see if it’s really just that bug or something way nastier. While you’re there, see about getting the flu vaccine; you just missed the Immunization Clinic at Newcomb, but if you make an appointment Student Health will still have all the proper vaccinations to make sure that once you’re back on your feet, you stay there.
Stop your sniffling,