“IT’S NOT OVER TILL I SAY IT’S OVER”

Delusional Sigma Chi pledge cracks under Derby Days pressure

Three days after the conclusion of Sigma Chi’s “Derby Days,” a spring philanthropy benefiting the Children’s Miracle Network, first-year College student and pledge Jimmy Schwartz was discovered through an anonymous tip in the basement of the fraternity’s house. Schwartz was practicing his lip sync routine from the previous Wednesday, in what appeared to be the bloody remnants of his shoes.

University medical staff said the soon-to-be-initiated brother had not stopped practicing the routine to eat or sleep in approximately 72 hours and was completely unaware the fundraising challenge had ended several days earlier.

Efforts to remove Schwartz from the premises were complicated by his insistence on perfecting the “Derby Daytona 500” themed routine and his pleas to show emergency workers how close his gyrating floor work resembled that of Chris Brown.

“STOP, stop, just this last part! It’s my favorite!” Schwartz cried, grabbing a nearby chair and dancing to the 2014 chart-topper “Gas Pedal.”

Although medics were advised against interfering with the boy’s skewed perception of reality, one finally yelled, “It’s over, Jimmy! It’s been over for days!” while trying to pause Schwartz’s song, which had played on repeat 1,440 times.

In a final act of desperation and showmanship, the pledge – clad only in women’s running shorts and a cowboy hat – grabbed nearby bottles of baby oil and glitter, dousing himself in both while shrieking, “IT’S NOT OVER TILL I SAY IT’S OVER!” He was eventually sedated and transported to the University Medical Center for treatment.

This is not the first time Sigma Chi has lost a pledge to a Derby Days-induced mental breakdown. After pledge Charles Smith was chased 15 miles into Fluvanna County in 2011 as part of the “Hat Grab” activity, he required extensive therapy and eventually transferred to a community college in his hometown.

In a situation similar to that of Jimmy Schwartz, pledge Henry Mason was found under the fraternity’s deck, muttering the lyrics to Sir Mixalot’s “I Like Big Butts” while mixing batches of Nickelodeon slime, ten days after the 2014 philanthropy had ended. The family settled out of court for an undisclosed amount.

These incidents have raised an important question among members of the University community - is Derby Days still safe for the men of Sigma Chi? A record-breaking $22,000 was raised during this year’s campaign, but students question whether a price can really be put on the sanity of the University’s men.

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