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SIEGEL: “Rub some dirt on it” is still timeless advice

Helicopter parenting is harming our generation

The elementary school playground fight: a childhood rite of passage — well, it used to be. It seems as though the days of mulch throwing, monkey bar fighting and hair pulling on playgrounds are coming to an end. John Tierney of The New York Times wrote a piece on the increasing disappearance of jungle gyms from playgrounds over the years. Ellen Sandseter, a psychology professor at Queen Maud University in Norway, speaks to this shift away from the desire to conquer fear and develop a sense of finesse: “Children need to encounter risks and overcome fears on the playground… As playgrounds become more and more boring, these are some of the few features that still can give children thrilling experiences with heights and high speed.” When is enough enough? Helicopter parenting as well as a rising fear of failing is leading our generation to yield to emotional fragility.

This is not to say we should refrain from affirming each other’s successes and carefully swinging on the monkey bars, but we must not protect each other from every single hardship life has to throw at us, for those moments propel us forward so that we may gain purpose. David Brooks asks us to “rethink toughness or at least detach it from hardness” in our journey through life, as there is a distinct difference between resilience and rigidity. Brooks draws upon the world of martial arts to bring his point full circle. He expresses the idea that ardent people are “strong like water. A blow might sink into them, and when it does they are profoundly affected by it. But they can absorb the blow because it’s short term while their natural shape is long term.”

This is what we need to strive to be like: not fragile, yet not hard. W.E.B. Du Bois projected his polemics against racism through beautifully crafted literature, showing toughness in the way of civil rights and emotion through his prose. After Yeardley Love’s tragic death, her family dug deep into the pain to find inspiration and put a dent into this epidemic of violence against women. There is, in fact, a middle ground. It’s normal, healthy in fact, to react to a metaphorical punch in the gut, but how you handle it afterwards determines your emotional strength and endgame for failure. There are going to be times when we feel like giving up. Only then will we truly know if we have what it takes to exchange fragility for grit and resilience and use those tools to find our purpose for living. For without purpose, how can we be tough? Brooks’ words rings true: “people are really tough only after they have taken a leap of faith for some truth or mission or love. Once they’ve done that they can withstand a lot.” When parents do not give their children the chance to see what they are capable of on their own, “they'll turn to doctors to make their kids into the people that parents want to believe their kids are,” says University Prof. John Portmann.

Further, helicopter parenting is not only a catalyst in the epidemic of emotional fragility, but psychologists have found this type of parenting may actually “be depriving their children of essential brain development, sabotaging their ability to think for themselves and develop the very cognitive skills they need to succeed in life.” When parents take to packaging their children’s lives into perfectly structured, steady boxes, they unknowingly hinder their development in the way of a thickness of skin that is nothing short of essential. In order to reverse this trend, psychology expert and author Hara Estroff Marano proposes that we push our children to engage in “unstructured play,” give them “honest praise and honest criticism” as well as “giving them increasing responsibility.” When children are not given this opportunity of self-growth, there is an intense internal disconnection that can ultimately lead to mental health problems and self-harming behavior.

Our emotional connections with ourselves and each other are invaluable. I am in no way suggesting that we take steps that may isolate us or label us rigid and unkind. Quite the opposite. The stronger we get, the more likely we can stand up for others who are not. The tough cookies are willing to take that extra jump in the hope that the ends justify the means or that the fall is worth the pain. We should still tell our children to “rub some dirt on it” after a little tumble off the playground slide in the hopes that they too find enchantment in the pain.

Lucy Siegel is an Opinion columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at l.siegel@cavalierdaily.com.

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