Dear Resident on the Floor Above Me,
Hello! Your friendly neighborhood RA here, just shooting you a quick email about a small concern I have that I wanted to address with you. Since I am an RA, that automatically means I am a quality, top-notch human who exists for the validation, support, and affirmation of others. It’s my job as a Resident Advisor to — you know — advise, so I hope you will take this as a friendly, non-assertive, totally optional recommendation from a good friend … who also happens to be in a position of authority over you and can tarnish your permanent record for decades to come.
But you know, it’s fine.
First things first, I wanted to say that you are an individual with rights and freedoms, and you have the autonomy to exercise those rights and freedoms. You are in college, after all. And that means you can sleep with whomever you want, whenever you want, and however you want! As long as you’re both consenting adults. Of course (I have to say that, I’m an RA). And even though you have to be nice to me because I’m an RA, and talk to me when we awkwardly end up in the elevator at the same time because I’m an RA, and answer my questions about how your day was because I’m an RA, and accept it when I write you up when I catch you drinking in dorms because I’m an RA, I’m still a student just like you. I have classes and readings and homework and papers and clubs and a life. And do you know what I need so I can do all those things? SLEEP.
You might not be aware, dear resident, but I haven’t been getting a lot of sleep recently. And I know you haven’t either. You want to know how I know? The floors/ceilings in dorms aren’t made to be especially soundproof, you see. Earplugs and my “Forever Alone” Spotify playlist can only do so much. Our school has much better things to spend its money on than the quality of student housing. Some examples include those carpets of pristine, genetically modified, scented grass that our resident magical gnomes roll out when prospective students come to make them realize “ah, the Lawn really is greener on the other side,” or academic building renovations that have been going on for literally six months after their estimated end date or filling that mysterious “strategic investment fund.”
Oddly enough, I’m not trying to ask you to stop having sex. That would be rude and frankly isn’t in my job description. Why would I go above and beyond the guidelines of my position as an RA to support the academic, emotional and social development of students during some of their most formative years as young people? All I’m asking is that you please maybe possibly kind of potentially just keep it down a little bit. If it helps, I’m super proud of you and your partner for your … adventurous ideas, and … big imaginations. That’s totally cool. But seriously, I know your safe word, and I really wish I didn’t (Thomas Jefferson? Really? You can be more creative than that).
For all that is good and pure in this world and especially for my 3000 level politics midterm exam next week, keep it down! In conclusion: don’t sex less. Just sex quieter.
All the Best,
The RA on the floor below you
P.S. Also I have, like, 300 condoms in my room if you ever need any. Because honestly, I won’t ever need them. I’m an RA.
*This article is completely fictitious and is in no way affiliated with Housing and Residence Life.*
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