Top 10 people you can’t trust

The world is a sketchy place

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1. People that back into parking spots

Dear everyone that backs into parking spots, why do you subject yourself to such torture? I understand that when you leave, all you have to do is pull forward, but is it really worth it? If you back out of a spot, you have so much more room to not hit things as opposed to backing into a spot. And it takes extra time to get yourself lined up to back into a spot, and then other people have to wait for you to get out of the way. Honestly, I think that people who back into parking spots are just trying to show off to the rest of us that can barely park a car forwards. So please, hop off your high horse because you’re giving me anxiety. 

2. People that make obnoxious phone calls

For the love of Cav Dog and Cav Pup, do not put your phone call on speaker with other people around. As much as I am nosy and love to hear what other people are talking about, this just goes too far for me. I know you probably think you look like a Kardashian while holding your phone out in front of your face with the volume on full blast, but the rest of us want to smack the phone out of your hands. So please, plug in your earphones, or just hold the phone up to your ear. One call will not give you cancer. 

3.  People that don’t scoot over on the bus

If the bus is mostly empty, I don’t care if you want both seats to yourself. I do too. But if the bus is full and people are standing, you better move over. It is so difficult to stand on buses, especially for short people like myself who can hardly reach the straps. It’s also super awkward. I don’t want my armpits in someone’s face so I can hold on for dear life. So just do the easy, decent thing and make room. Then I won’t have to give you dirty looks throughout the whole ride — which I promise — I will. 

4. People that crowd the sidewalk

Do you know how many people are on Grounds in a day? Neither do I, but it’s a ridiculous amount. And getting anywhere is hard enough with how spread out the buildings are, so I don’t really need a group of gaggling pals blocking my path. It’s literally like if a few cars decided to stop in the middle of the road just for a fun chit-chat. And have you ever noticed that if you pass a group stopped in a high-traffic area, they always seem to be talking about how they’re in the way of everyone else? Apparently if you put more than three people in a group together, they keep their self-awareness but lose their mobility. So please just let me get to class. 

5. People that don’t let you pet their dog

I don’t know what the rest of the world does, but when I see a dog, I stare at that thing longingly, imagining its soft fur in my hands and its cute little smile directed towards me. And I know that the dog owners see me. How can they not? But I don’t want to ask to pet the dog because what if it’s a bad time? Or what if the dog has social anxiety and gets nervous around new people? There are too many factors for me to just straight up ask to pet the sweet fur baby. So dog owners, do the rest of us a favor, and just ask if I want to pet them. It would really make everything easier for the both of us. I don’t have to stare awkwardly at your dog, and you don’t have to feel weirded out by me. 

6. People that don’t charge their phone at night

How can you go about your day knowing your phone could die at any moment? Do you like living on the edge? Do you like being underprepared? I know that some people say overcharging your phone is bad for the battery, but not having 100 percent is far worse for my brain than overcharging is for my battery. And if you don’t have enough battery, you’re forced to find an outlet so you can charge your phone, and it turns into a complete mess. So charge it! It’s not hard. 

7. People that don’t thank the bus driver

How dare you get off that bus without thanking the bus driver. They drive in the same loop for hours and days on end, just to get you to class on time, and you’re not going to thank them? They also have to deal with you on weekends when you’re already half-lit from pregaming and trying to get to the next party. I know it’s their job to drive you around, but that doesn’t make them any less deserving of a quick thanks as you exit the bus. 

8. People that enjoy sparkling water

I truly don’t understand the sparkling water fad. There is nothing about water that makes me think “Oh, I wish this was bubbly!” And flavored sparkling water is even worse! LaCroix tastes like if someone ate a bunch of fruit and then spit it out into a can. People love to tell you how it tastes so good, but I’m convinced those people have no taste buds, which must be very sad for them. It makes my brain physically itch when I see people drinking sparkling water, so if you won’t do it for yourself, stop drinking LaCroix for me. 

9. People that sit too close to you

Let’s create a scenario — you’re sitting in a lecture hall, and there are a ton of empty seats around you. Someone comes in and chooses to sit right in front of you, even though, as previously mentioned, there are a ton of empty seats. In my opinion, that is completely unacceptable. Unless you are my friend, I need at least a one seat radius around me. That way, we can all spread out and get comfy without worrying about touching a stranger. Please — don’t make me accidentally touch a stranger. 

10. Yourself

Some people say the only person you can trust is yourself, but I beg to differ. Yourself is the one who tells you that one more cookie won’t hurt. Yourself is the one who tells you that missing one more class won’t be that big of a deal. Yourself is the one who tells you that one more drink at Trin won’t break the bank because it’s SATURDAY NIGHT! So instead of trusting yourself, try to imagine what your grandma would think if she saw you half-passed out on the Corner after one too many Trash Cans. 

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