As the midterm elections approach, it becomes increasingly clear that Americans are as divided as ever. In an effort to combat that evergrowing schism, the Virginia General Assembly passed HB 1624 on Oct. 16, financing a plan designed to increase communal ties and employment by incentivizing people to act as Communal Linking and Order Workers for Neighborliness.
Bill sponsor Schuyler VanValkenberg from Virginia’s 72nd District explained the Assembly’s reasoning behind the bill, telling CBS 8, “Historically, societies are at their least divided when there is a scapegoat for everyone to blame for problems and direct their hate towards. After dismissing a series of potential groups such as vegans, people who vape, men with pointy beards, a letter about clown unemployment came across my desk and we just sort of ran with it.”
The Communal Linking and Order Workers for Neighborliness, or C.L.O.W.N.s, will be dressing up in colorful costumes and positioning themselves in semi-visible locations, often brandishing threatening objects like baseball bats, knives and balloons. VanValkenberg stated in his interview that more research is necessary to formulate criterion for C.L.O.W.N. locations as to maximize the number of times they will be seen without compromising spookiness. “Ideally, we would want people to inexplicably stumble across them in the woods, but we had to compromise on that so we could dedicate more efforts to making every picture of them posted online look like it was taken by someone’s great grandmother.”
The Governor’s Office released a statement emphasizing their hopes that the bill will bring Virginians together in a time of “[great sectarian divisions].” The statement also said they hoped the bill would be well received on account of its “seasonal appropriateness.”
The program is to be launched in a few select pilot cities that have yet to be determined, though a number, including Charlottesville, have already begun lobbying. Charlottesville’s proposal mentioned a number of additional benefits the program might have beyond giving its population a common enemy (besides Virginia Tech). Of particular note was the claim that the program would “reduce incidences of adolescent rowdiness,” because, “Who would want to go out and drink on a Thursday night when you might get stabbed by a clown?” The proposal projects that underaged drinking will decline sharply under the program and noise pollution will all but disappear. The Cavalier Daily reached out to a number of fraternities for comment, but, perhaps unsurprisingly, none of them read the email.
The U.Va. Office of Student Affairs has also commented on the potential for the program to increase academic engagement by forcing students to confine themselves to their rooms. Local business owners are less enthusiastic.
While the bill is being advertised to the general public as a way to unite the nation against a common enemy and prevent non-neighborly activities, it began as a way for the mostly unemployed clown population to get back into the job market. When asked about the bill, clown-lobbyist Bozo Abramoff said, “With Barnum and Bailey ending, a lot of us were faced with pretty grim prospects. The freelance birthday party scene has all but dried up on account of people thinking that clowns are freaky. The new ‘It’ movie did do a little bit to make us seem less scary, but the magicians and jugglers have all but cornered the market.” Clown employment is projected to quintuple following full implementation, but some projections indicate that there may not be enough interest in C.L.O.W.N. positions once the program rolls out statewide. If this is the case, the bill contains a provision which would offer C.L.O.W.N. service as an alternative to prison time to convicted criminals. Polls conducted in prisons seem to indicate that the idea holds especially strong appeal with violent offenders.
The announcement about which counties are to be a part of the pilot program is expected to come at some point this month. Ironically, there already seems to be division over whether or not the program should be welcome on Grounds. Many fear that bringing back the clowns will create safety issues, while a number of other students have claimed that the clowns were “hella dope.” Either way, we will know more in the coming weeks and you can expect us to keep you up to date.
Tyrnan Prasad is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.
Read More
U.Va. “Tourapocalypse”
By Adair Reid | 4 days agoSpring is a beautiful time for Guides to go on the offensive and really highlight the beauty of Grounds from the pollen-caked sidewalks to the lovely-smelling new mulch.
Dear Power Outlet, My Dearest Darling Love
By Maggie McHaty | April 17, 2024My dearest darling love, the concussion to my midnight snowball fights on the Lawn, the 2023 sewage flood to my Brown Residential College, I know I should not have come back.
University squirrels unionize
By Claudia Hunn | April 11, 2024This week, an unlikely group discovered their own collective power as workers by unionizing — a community of University squirrels now known as the Squirrel Workers’ Guild, or SWG.
