The midterms that matter

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You might need some guidance as to what will happen when you get to the ballot box.

Callie Collins | Cavalier Daily

Election Day can be hard, especially for those who have never done it before and don’t know what expect. For those of you who are freshly 18, it can be a daunting experience and you might need some guidance as to what will happen when you get there. Here are some people you are certain to see at the ballot box.

Exercise moms 

As you pull into the elementary school parking lot to get to your voting precinct, a minivan cuts you off to drop little Jimmy through the “kiss and ride” car line. After idling forever to make sure Jimmy gets all the way in the building, the minivan driver finally pulls into a spot. Suddenly, a woman in exercise clothes emerges from the driver’s side in leggings, UGG boots and sunglasses twice the size of her eyes. Starbucks in hand, she strolls into the voting precinct to cast her vote. 

The hecklers

On the way in, you must pass through the sea of monsters, aka those who think you have no idea what you’re doing and want to tell you exactly how to vote. The sea of monsters is not for the faint of heart, and many do not make it through with their brains and opinions intact. Despite this daunting obstacle, one must pull on experience walking to swipe into Newcomb and crossing the Lawn. All University students have been preparing for this with avoidance of eye contact and fake phone calls. Always remember — dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge. You have U.Va. to thank for your ability to duck people trying to get your attention.

“I took time out of my day for this.”

As you waited to vote, you likely encountered some people more put out by the process than the rest of those voting. Namely, the busy business tycoons who clearly had to miss a meeting in order to cast their votes in this election. Their assistants likely forgot to file for their absentee ballots, and now they have to cast their votes in person in order to keep their corporate worlds alive. They, no doubt, huffed and puffed at you from behind as you, no doubt, took too long to get your photo ID or to submit your ballot. At least they graced you with their presence. 

The mama bears

Strolling into the gymnasium, you see a bleach-blonde mixture of a bob and a pixie come through the door. Her makeup and outfit is confusing and reminiscent of her past, but she is clearly trying — but failing — to embrace the future. Behind her she drags her son who has a video camera attached to him. After the Kavanaugh confirmation process, she wants to make sure that no one accuses her son of anything. Instead of teaching her children about consent or actually parenting, she wastes her money on video equipment.

Voting officials 

Did they bring people back from the dead to verify people’s registration information, or are they just old? No one knows, but the skeletons checking you in were not leftovers from Halloween, but actual volunteers trying to participate in the civic process. They have voted in every election since the first time Kennedy was on the ticket and volunteer now to make sure that their vote gets counted first, as it’s the highlight of their year. Half the reason they come is to make sure that no one thinks they’re dead and tries to cast their vote for them. Just think what you have to look forward to in life.

No matter how stressful voting is or who you see it is always important to get out and vote! This is the one midterm that you should not miss. 

Heath Yancey is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.

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