It's out there somewhere, the newest in a long line of how-to manuals: "Summer Action Movies for Dummies."
Rest assured, it exists, and it's undoubtedly sitting on the bedside table of somebody at Warner Bros. For those of you who may not have seen any summer blockbusters over the past five years, some innovative people in Hollywood have gone down their checklist and found a cost-effective way to ensure that you didn't miss a thing. "Chill Factor," Hugh Johnson's directorial debut, is so textbook that it inadvertently approaches satire.
The story begins on Horn Island, where U.S. officials are packing up after testing their newest chemical weapon. This devastating bomb kills at the mercy of no one, save screenwriters Drew Gitlin and Mike Cheda. Once the researchers disclose that the name of the weapon is Elvis, you know it's only a matter of time before someone says that it has "left the building."
For some reason contrary to government orders and common sense, Dr. Richard Long (David Paymer) decides he has to test the weapon one final time. But he accidentally miscalculates the detonation radius by roughly 20,000 percent, destroying the island and killing 18 men. One man tries to outrun the slowly spreading explosion in his Jeep ("Jurassic Park," 1993), but eventually fails.
Capt. Andrew Brynner (Peter Firth) takes the fall and is locked away in a cell reminiscent of the Bastille, not a U.S. military prison. After 10 years, Brynner emerges a new man -- complete with a sinister villain voice -- and he's prepared to avenge the death of his troops by waging war against the government that betrayed them ("The Rock," 1996).
Brynner and his team of professionals, whom he has somehow organized from the confines of his prison cell, break into Dr. Long's lab in order to get their hands on Elvis. Wounded by a gunshot, Long escapes with the weapon, taking it to the most logical place you would take a weapon of mass destruction: the coffee shop where Mason (Skeet Ulrich) works.
Mason must carry out Long's dying order: take Elvis to Fort MacGruder before Brynner gets it, and keep the chemical below 50 degrees or it will detonate ("Speed," 1994).
Throughout "Chill Factor," whatever device is needed to set up the next stunt or special effect invariably surfaces, whether it makes any sense or not. How can Mason keep Elvis below the magical temperature plateau? Enter the ice cream deliveryman.
Cuba Gooding Jr., eternally trapped in "Jerry Maguire," plays Arlo, who tags along for comic relief after Mason hijacks his truck. Gooding is a funny guy, but he's defenseless against this script. The characters often pause after delivering their lame quips, as if holding for laughter. When the audience, of course, remains silent, you begin to feel sorry for the characters; it's like watching an eight-year-old struggle through a Christmas pageant.
The makers of "Chill Factor" obey a cardinal rule for silly action movies: "Never question anything." Every plot component comes along at just the right time. When there's a fistfight on the roof of a speeding truck, along comes the world's most unnatural rock formation to decapitate the loser.
Somehow, as if he knew what mayhem would ensue, Brynner has some of his increasing wealth of henchmen stationed in the cliffs. The magical cell phones that can penetrate tunnel walls and get clear reception in a helicopter provide a wonderful way for the two sides to threaten one another ("Broken Arrow," 1996). And the cherry on top comes when Mason and Arlo ride a fishing boat like a sled down a cliff, avoiding every tree and landing unscathed nearly 1,000 feet below the road.
Despite all this nonsense, "Chill Factor" is merely bad. It's not ambitious enough to be horrible. The most ironic line in the whole script comes from U.S. Lieutenant Vitelli (Daniel Hugh Kelly), who informs Brynner, "I don't like coincidences." Somebody had better tell him to stay away from "Chill Factor."
Grade: C-
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