DATE RAPE drugs. Those may be the three scariest words I've ever read. But never in my wildest dreams did I think that phrase could ever become more than words on a page - that it would jump out of a book to touch my life. They did, or at least they might have - and that possibility is more than enough.
Keep one thing in mind as you read my story - I am not a survivor of any sort of assault, sexual or otherwise. My experience is a glimpse into that world, but I can't speak from that perspective; I hope I never can. But perhaps my tale can help us all better understand the complex issue of sexual assault and blame.
I recently went to an off-Grounds party where I knew only a few people. I only stayed a couple hours and went home relatively early. After a friend drove me home, I started feeling strange. I was getting a sudden onset of fever and chills, and began shivering and sweating at the same time. While I sat, wrapped in a blanket on the couch, I started having odd, almost surreal daydreams or hallucinations. I knew that I wasn't drunk; I concluded that I must be coming down with a sudden case of the flu.
I woke up the next morning and I didn't have the flu. I had no symptoms; I felt completely normal, as I have ever since. I was puzzled. Then something clicked.
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I remembered setting my glass down several times and leaving it unattended for a few minutes. I also knew from my pre-med classes and my training as a member of One in Four that drugs like ecstasy can do things like interfere with body temperature and produce hallucinations.
I called Student Health. I told my story and asked if they had the capability to test for MDMA, the chemical name of ecstasy. The person I talked to asked me for details about that night. Was I sure I wasn't drunk? Yes. And I had left my glass unattended, on more than one occasion? Yes. Whose party was it? I don't know their names, I said.
She checked with the Student Health lab and the lab at the University Hospital and said that neither had a specific test for MDMA. There was a general drug screen panel, but if it was a case of involuntary ingestion - and therefore likely a small dose - it probably wouldn't show anything.
So what do you suggest I do? I asked. If you feel okay today, I wouldn't be too worried, she replied. But you need to be more careful about who you party with and what you drink out of so this kind of thing doesn't happen again.
I'll probably never know whether something was in my drink or not. Someone could have put something in it, or I could have picked up the wrong cup, or maybe nothing happened at all. That's not the point.
Inevitably, some people will hear this story and immediately react like this woman did. They'll point out all the things I could have done differently, and they'll imply that I am to blame for what happened - that I brought it on myself through bad judgment. That mentality is misguided and tremendously hurtful.
No matter what I would do differently if I had to do it over again, I didn't do anything to deserve getting drugged (if that's what happened). In an ideal case, I would have known and trusted every person at the party and I would have had a bodyguard posted next to my drink if I had to set it down. But just because I didn't do those things, I didn't ask to end up ingesting some sort of drug or be blamed for it the next day.
I began to think about the ways in which my experience mirrors one aspect of the experience of many sexual assault survivors, though on a much smaller scale. Assault survivors are frequently blamed for their attacks. What were you wearing? Were you drinking? Where were you? Were you alone? Did you flirt with your attacker beforehand? Did you agree to go to his room, or to let him walk you home?
All these questions are ultimately irrelevant; no one ever deserves to be assaulted. No amount of second-guessing will change the fact that an assault is something the attacker does to a victim; the victim isn't the one who causes it.
My point is not to claim to understand how a sexual assault survivor feels or to be able to share that perspective with you. I've talked to many survivors, and I know I'll never fully grasp the trauma they go through. Rather, I hope to illustrate our culture's desire to blame, our need to finger-point. We want to find a culprit so we can ease our minds. We need to be able to attribute blame and put the issue to rest. That subtle act can ruin lives.
These experiences are all too common; chances are excellent that you know several sexual assault survivors, even if they've never told you about it. Many of them have been blamed at some point for their attack. So just keep these things in mind. Remember how easy it is to blame someone for something that happens to them. Remember, above all, how hurtful that blame can be.
(Bryan Maxwell's column appears Wednesdays in The Cavalier Daily. He is a member of One in Four.)
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