It was a story that could only have taken place in Hollywood.
Now it will! That's right. Faced with the imminent writer's strike, the film industry is looking for easy-to-pen real-life stories that will fill the silver screen with cinematic gold. So, look out next year for "Duke: The Movie!"
The film chronicles the meteoric rise of the 2001 men's basketball team and follows it all the way to the Championship Game.
Like most good, marketable Hollywood movies, "Duke: The Movie!" is chock full of stars playing key roles in the epic story. Here are a few.
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The producers of the film have contacted and inked a deal with Steven Spielberg that will allow them to outfit E.T. the Extraterrestrial with stilts so that he can play star forward Shane Battier. This represents the first time that an animatronic alien has played a real person. Producers cite the wrinkled head, a sense of civic duty and the strange warblyvoice as reasons why the little guy was such a good fit. (Rumor has it that the real Shane Battier can be baited with Reese's Pieces as well.)
There are other similarities between "Duke: The Movie!" and Spielberg's film. For example, in the final climactic scene, Battier dies but is reborn, proving the national media's assertion that Shane Battier is in fact our personal Lord and Savior.
Teen hunk James Van Der Beek will play the part of WojoQ (i.e. assistant coach Steve Wojciechowski). In one stirring exchange, WojoI and Coach K have a falling out of sorts, with Steve exclaiming, "I don't want your life!" This scripted exchange isn't necessarily true to life though. When asked about Van Der Beek's casting, Coach K smiled and said, "It's a good fit. Steve is dreamy." Then he swooned and collapsed but was caught by a diving Shane Battier.
Speaking of the Hall of Fame coach, Coach K will be played by Pee Wee Herman (aka Paul Reubens). Umm. You take it from there.
Rumor has it that Pee Wee has been training extensively for the role and in fact accidentally recruited a McDonald's All-American without really trying. One of Hollywood's best method actors, Pee Wee was said to have spent hours a day crying in preparation for the part.
Supermodel Claudia Schiffer has signed on to play star swingman Michael Dunleavy. Computer graphics will be used to digitally elongate her arms for the sake of realism.
Starting Duke center Casey Sanders will be played by a glove taped to a broom handle. The glove received over one million dollars for the role, thought to be a record for a fashion accessory taped to a broom.
Fellow Duke center Carlos Boozer was originally slated to be in the film, but like so much of his two-year career, Carlos decided just not to show up.
"Duke: The Movie!" figures to be the best basketball movie since such masterpieces as "Blue Chips" or "The Air Up There." One only hopes that Pee Wee can match Kevin Bacon's tortured performance as Jimmy Dolan. But that's another column.
Yes, "Duke: The Movie!" will soon take the world by storm, and you can expect it to become a cultural phenomenon. I can't wait for product tie-ins such as "Duke: The trading card game!" and "Duke: The University!" Saturday morning cartoons, breakfast cereals ... ah, the future is bright. Please, god, give me more Duke!
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