When I was a Boy Scout, I didn't think sleeping on the hard ground was good for anything besides "putting hair on your chest." At least that's what our fearless adult leaders told us so we would stop complaining.
But my experience as a Boy Scout did come in handy earlier this month, when I slept on the hard floor of a friend's apartment for 10 straight days.
The people in the apartment were moving out, so there was no furniture. Their refrigerator was empty except for one can of pickles and six bottles of spaghetti sauce. My situation was very similar to the contestants on the show Survivor, except I didn't have to eat slugs or insects and I had no chance of winning a million dollars.
In fact, my wallet was about as empty as my stomach. Fortunately, I had a friend who was in the same situation. The two of us decided that the pickles and spaghetti sauce in the fridge wouldn't last for more than a couple of days, and we resolved to forage for food somewhere else.
Having spent most of my life in suburbia, this was about the closest I had ever come to actually hunting for my food. (The other time was when I went to the grocery store with my mother.)
Our first plan of attack was to intercept the coupons that came in the mail. Even though taking other people's mail is a federal offense, there are some risks in life you just have to take.
After pre-sorting our friends' mail, we used the bootlegged coupons at every fast food restaurant in Charlottesville. The routine got boring after a while, especially when
we realized we were turning into giant balls o' grease.
Also, the workers at the restaurants began to look at us suspiciously every time we came in, as if we were shady grease-balls from the coupon-counterfeiting Mafia.
So our next strategy was to find coupons on the Internet, meanwhile nourishing ourselves with free candy from the bank and a local office-supply store. Unfortunately, we couldn't find any coupons even after hours of searching, so we had to skip dinner that night.
In a last act of desperation, I finally remembered that I could earn $10 by donating a small amount of blood to a research lab. This money was enough to buy three more dinners and even a candy bar.
I would not recommend this meal plan to anyone, since it involves many hours of coupon searching, massive grease overdose and possible blood loss and heart failure. The one advantage to this plan is that a week's worth of food costs slightly more than a week's worth of earning the hourly minimum wage. Therefore, I offer the following advice to poor college students who desperately need food:
Begin by saving every coupon that comes in the mail. Don't be shy - steal coupons from friends and family. When this backfires, turn to the Internet and look for free deals.
You should also turn into a scavenger and look for conferences and events that offer free food. When people ask you why your pockets are bulging, reply that you are taking bread home to feed your flock of pet ducks.
Finally, check with the local hospital to see what parts of your body are worth money.
I'm sure you can think of your own creative ways to get your next meal - please let me know what you come up with. Just remember that free food is always good food. And don't forget about the pickles in the fridge.
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