I'd been saving myself for months. Fall semester had just ended. I'd hopped a flight home to Munich, had reached his loft in spite of snow flurries and blurred jet-lag vision and had solicited scented candles from a smirking neighbor. Ten minutes later, he was in the shower and I was wondering why. After all, neither of us had broken a sweat.
I dumped Christiana week later. Few things are more detrimental to the comfort and self-esteem of a woman than a two-pump chump.
If you're still wondering why, listen very, very closely. This is the Titanic of sex advice: If you sink prematurely, you'd better go down.
One-minute men are so damaging to women's contentment because they use them as nothing more than a means to an end. Once a man has come, the fun's over. By biological decree. If you can't hold out, there's nothing to be done -- and in spite of all of the toils of poise and pluck most women require before sex, her libido hasn't even caught an itch.
You know who you are. If you're a one-minute man, please admit to yourself that you haven't yet graduated boyhood, go back to practicing, and while you do so, use the visual aid to seriously contemplate the difference between a woman and your right hand. Then call me and tell me why there was any confusion in the first place.
Of course there are men out there that can't help it. But relax. This is my purpose. Train for longevity. If you need an emergency break, there's a pressure point on the underside of your penis, at the base of its head. Intermittently switch to positions that are less stimulating for you and more for her. Thinking of dead fish is also a classic. [A friend of mine swears by reciting Chaucer.] If all else fails, satisfy your girl manually or orally before penetration, so that there's a chance you might come together. And if you finish before she does, by all means, don't drop off while you droop down -- pleasure her somehow so that she can catch up.
Side note: Giving her an orgasm isn't mandatory every time, of course, but you might call it a matter of etiquette.
And ladies, if this happens to you more often than not, you have an obligation to talk about it. Because of the mechanics of sex, men don't naturally get the picture. Inform him, then give him a second run. You also have an obligation to abstain -- and I mean completely -- from faking it. Few things are as foreseeably destructive to a good sex life than effectively lying about what pleases you. There are few situations dire enough to warrant an exception to this rule -- the need to terminate a ghastly one-night stand or the cultivation of your man's endearingly delicate self-esteem.
And, don't you dare be a one-minute woman. It's just as catastrophic. Some men cannot get off within minutes -- or they don't want to, which you should respect. Certainly none of them want you to go stiff as a board once you've climaxed, sighing and filing your nails while they finish up. That is neither the nature nor the purpose of good sex.
To end this on a cheery note, we've been doing our job well, girls, and the revolution is nearly complete. My current preferred object of contemplation: a very good friend who just enjoyed his first one-night stand and went on enjoying it until 4 p.m. the next day. Knowing his generous nature, I'm sure it was the quality and not the quantity of sexual sessions that made his (and her) leisure last that long. His is a most inspiring tale. And tail.
Katja Schubl is a bi-weekly columnist.She can be reached at katja@cavalierdaily.com
Read More
U.Va. students and physicians team up for another year of free kidney screenings
By Merrill Hart | November 5, 2024Saturday’s screening marked the first by KDSAP at Portico Church, near IX Art Park.
U.Va. Health sees a spike in COVID-19 cases
By Emily Horn | September 4, 2023U.Va. Health ended their vaccination requirements in August, and masks were made optional in most hospital areas in early April.
U.Va. Cancer Center harnesses $12 million grant to support opportunities for undergraduates, ongoing research and new center
By Ellen Wu | January 12, 2023The grant provides an opportunity to establish the Center for Systems Analysis of Stress-Adapted Cancer Organelles, which seeks to find the cause of cancer in individual organelles.
