You first years think you can just waltz in here and own the place? Well, you can't. Edgar Allan Poe thought he could do that back in 1826, and he lasted all of one semester. I'll admit I had the same feeling of entitlement when I arrived here last fall, after graduating as one of the coolest high school kids in history. (This confirmed by VH1's "Top 100 Coolest High School Kids in History Countdown," in which I placed No. 2. Easily should have been No. 1, though. Screw VH1. And screw Don McFarlane of Pittsburgh Secondary School, Class of 1957. Honestly, you weren't that cool. So you were the first person to stick your gum on the underside of a desk. So what? It was sooo obvious, man.)
I soon discovered, however, that there are endless measures one must undertake in order to maintain a peaceful coexistence with the feral and incorrigible beast that is the University of Virginia. The list of do's and don'ts for such a daunting enterprise, were I to transmit it in full, would be longer than Elzinga's waiting list and Casteen's donor contacts list combined. So I will impart only the most effective methods for safeguarding against social devastation. If followed strictly, these guidelines may propel your popularity rating to a level you have not yet imagined. In short, here's how to conquer U.Va.:
1) It's no secret that everyone loves guitars and puppies. Time for you to cash in. Whenever you are seen in public -- which should be always -- arm yourself with a guitar case and a puppy. Perhaps several puppies. In fact, you could try harnessing an entire team of puppies to pull you and your guitar case around in a makeshift sleigh that you will fashion yourself. You will become instantly famous, receiving the nickname, "That person with the puppies and the guitar case and the homemade sleigh and the irresistible air of self-confidence." Yeah, we do long nicknames 'round here. That's another thing you should learn.
2) If possible, become a starting defensive back on the football team. It would help immensely. It just would.
3) It takes time to learn the terrain. If you are attempting to get from your room at Old Dorms to the Chemistry Building and suddenly find that your trusted team of puppies has led you astray to the far reaches of the Nursing School, DO NOT FREAK OUT. Yes, you are hopelessly lost. Yes, you will be dropped from your class roster. Yes, there is a good chance you will never see home or the people you love ever again. But at least you will know that the honor code will remain fully intact long after your body has perished and decomposed into dust and ash. And in the unlikely happenstance that you do manage to recoup yourself and make it to class, later on you can recount to all your inexperienced first-year friends that you took the "scenic route" that day and that "Mr. Jefferson's University truly is a glorious and wondrous place." That's another thing: It's always "Mr. Jefferson." Say it as though you know the man personally and as though your dad was largely responsible for his success as a Revolutionary icon.
4) If you are a nerd: You no longer have to fear ridicule and scathing judgment from your schoolmates. U.Va. is an inclusive institution of welcoming diversity. There are many outlets for your nerdy tendencies, including the Engineering School and the possibility of transferring to William & Mary. (We strongly encourage the latter.)
5) Always be "about to hit up the AFC." Never actually work out (that's for suckers), but constantly be signing up for obscure but impressive-sounding fitness classes like "power-weight-yoga-lates."
6) If you're experiencing a conflict with your roommate, stretch police caution tape around the corners of his bed and declare that any space outside of that narrow perimeter is your side of the room. Then, when he discovers you in his bed with some chick from Delta Something, declare that you are holding an "international summit."
7) A tip about TAs' office hours: They are completely fabricated. I did a little reconnaissance work last year and discovered that no one who works at Alderman Café has ever even heard of such a system. Don't be fooled. I hope this will save you some unnecessary anxiety.
8) Go up to the fire marshal and be like, "Laminate this!" Everyone around you will cheer for your now-public dissent.
9) Learn all the lyrics to "Don't Stop Believin'" and "Livin' on a Prayer." Trust me, you'll need them.
10) The new O-Hill: Cherish it. There was a time when a person had to leave the confines of the dining hall to go to the bathroom. That was the same age in which condiment dispensers were pump-action rather than continuous-stream. You don't realize how lucky you are.
Dan Dooley's column runs bi-weekly on Fridays. He can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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