Gooch or Gucci? Copeley or Coach? Brown or Balenciaga? Much like what you wear or what bag you carry, where you live is a key factor in how "cool" you are. As a wiser and clearly "cooler" third year, I've compiled a how-to guide for finding the perfect roommate and the perfect location, for your viewing pleasure.
Roommate
Like the formula for Teen Girl Squad, every group needs a designated "ugly" to make the other members of the group more attractive by comparison. Oftentimes, this is accomplished through sabotage: "I didn't realize your razor was for legs only. Don't worry, the bumps will go away in a few days." However, there is one exception and that occurs when members of the group take turns being "the ugly." By rotating the sacrifice of hygiene duties, the members effectively guard their reputations from permanently being linked with "the ugly one."
In the line of being as materialistic as possible in picking a roommate, factor in what the individual can contribute. A flat-screen LCD 90-inch television can buy anyone a spot in any home. A wicker rocking chair can buy anyone a spot in a nursing home.
Personality also plays a role in roommate compatibility, though a relatively minor one. An obsessive-compulsive-cleaning Engineering student with a minor in creating sterile environments would not pair well with a double major who doesn't understand the word "flush." On that note, please contact me if there is a room available in your home -- or maybe the backseat of your car.
Housing
The first step in finding decent housing is to look at the neighborhood. For example, I signed a lease before taking a closer look at the house next door. It is a (supposedly) abandoned meth lab. This year, I bore witness to a man climbing in and out of a broken window. There are buckets of rainwater on the front step, which are used for things such as washing clothes, bathing, making meth, etc. Last year, the police (read: one car) came in an over-the-top drug bust (read: warned a man for disorderly conduct).
Another thing to keep in mind is the size. Advertisements in local papers can be horribly misleading. "6 bdrms" can also mean five bedrooms and a converted hallway closet. Note to homeowners: Hanging a Chinese paper lantern from the ceiling and calling the closet a "meditation bedroom" doesn't fly. But size considerations shouldn't be limited to off-Grounds housing. For example, sharing a room reduces your space privileges by half. You can't walk around naked or throw leftover Newcomb takeout on your roommate's bed. On the other hand, you could always opt for a single in Gooch, which, although you have your own room, is the size of a bathroom stall -- and not even the handicapped one at that.
The next thing to look at is the structure of the house. Does it have walls? Is the porch a build-it-yourself kit from Ikea? Is that the smell of lead paint? Little things like that must not be overlooked.
Finally, look at how well-kept the place is. Perhaps the hardwood floors have a wonderful and earthy coat of brown paint. It's true, though. Sometimes hardwood floors shine so much you just happen to forget they're wood. Painting them brown makes sure we never forget their roots. Or perhaps a paper plate is glued to the wall in one of the rooms. Understandably, accidents happen, and fixing a hole in the wall is not something we're taught at Mr. Jefferson's University. Just keep in mind that other people have to live there too, and just have the decency to use duct tape and white-out next time.
This is the best advice I can give. Results may vary, however, on a case-by-case basis. A wicker beer pong table just screams class. If you fail in your endeavors, don't fear. I'm pretty sure there are vacancies in the meth lab.
Winnie can be reached at winnie@cavalierdaily.com.
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