I had a crisis last week. Not a "'Full House' DJ's got a pimple on school Picture Day" kind of crisis, but a real-life one. A "What the hell am I going to do after graduation?" crisis. I got it figured out, though, and I'm going to help you out with some good career ideas that I threw to the wayside along my path to enlightenment. Screw Career Services, you've got me -- the Dalai Lama of job searching.
All right, so first and foremost, a really cool, fun career would be truck driving. You laugh, but I'm serious. There are a number of reasons for the awesomeness of this profession.
1) People all over the country would be dying to get your attention just so you would honk your ridiculously loud horn.
2) You could legitimately get away with wearing a mesh trucker hat for the rest of your life (God only knows how much I wish those would come back in fashion.)
3) "Pimp My Ride" has NOTHING on the coolness of truck cabs -- they are pimped out fo' shizzle, plus you get to LIVE in your CAR (amazing).
4) You get to use a CB radio and say things like "Niner" and "That's a big ten-four, Mama Bear." How is this not irresistible?
If you're not into driving, how about whale training? Not just any whales, though: Shamu whales (also known as orcas). We all know that since seeing "Free Willy" circa 1993, we've all wanted to be like Jesse and be a tough street kid who comes of age when he befriends a killer whale. Sign me up, I'm game, regardless of smelling like fish and having pruney fingers for the rest of my life.
Thirdly, just take your tail down to the Caribbean and find a job. Doing what? Doesn't matter. I'd sell sarongs on the beach if it were me. Weave baskets, put braids in people's hair, play those big barrel drums on the beach, just say "Yeah, mon" repeatedly for no reason to anyone who walks by. Find a nice island, St. Bart's, St. John's, anywhere, and be a bartender. Channel Tom Cruise (pre-scientology/Katie Holmes psychosis). Channel Jimmy Buffet. Just go there and do something.
Speaking of music (good segue, right? I know, I'm good), another very fabulous profession would be playing the organ at baseball games. Yes, that's right, the person who plays "Take Me Out to the Ball Game." To command thousands of fans to scream "Charge!" at your every whim is a right I'm dying to have. Plus, you'd get to see the games for free, you'd be revered by all and you'd probably get free hot dogs, if not Cracker Jacks and peanuts since you're shamelessly plugging their products every game. But this is not a good profession for me, specifically, because I'd probably drink too much beer while watching the game and end up trying to play "Fur Elise" or "Chopsticks."
Another profession I would abuse but would be amazing for someone else is food tasting for kings and queens around the world. Well, only those monarchs who are not currently under threat of being poisoned. They'd have to be neutral monarchs, maybe like in Monaco or Canada (Do they currently have monarchs? I don't know.) Just imagine this job: You are being paid to eat the very best food that money can buy. Neglect the fact it may kill you and just savor that tidbit of information. I'd get fat and most likely get fired for late-night eating in the castle kitchen. Someone else please do this, e-mail me and I'll live vicariously through you.
Lastly, I'll go ahead and tell you what I'm going to do after graduation. If you take my job, though, I'll know exactly where to find you, and it won't be pretty. I'm going to be a Disney princess. That's right. A real, live Disney princess at Disney World (or Land, it doesn't matter). I'm thinking Cinderella. I like her blue dress, and I certainly wouldn't mind the life she marries into. I'm blond, she's blond and by midnight when she's out partying, things are getting sloppy just like me. Plus, I love little kids, attention and being in photographs. I like floats, fireworks, ball gowns, princes and fairy godmothers. Never mind it's a fairytale -- I would be the best Cinderella of all time. Way better than Brandy.
So, my fellow fourth years, go unto the world! Disperseth come May 2006! When I see a seersucker trucker hat or a Polo-wearing Rastafarian, I'll know I have made an impact on the world. And if you ever come to Disney World, I'll be the one on the float, laughing at all you people going to grad school.
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