This week I want to try something immature. I fear the Health and Sex page needs a little more sex and thanks to this freezing weather, I'm in a mood to keep it light. Without further ado, I present Hoos Scoring.
One Point -- Alderman Stacks. Although sex in public should be worth massive points, this act of exhibitionism is only worth one point because from what I've heard, this place has been done and done and done -- it's pretty much a rite of passage. The floors are probably sticky. People, please, keep your lovin' off the books.
Two Points -- Have steamy sex in the steam tunnels. (Please note this can be quite dangerous during certain seasons so the roof of Wilson is a fair substitute.)
Three Points -- Fondling or sex in any hall or suite bathroom. As for fondling, I must interject that it only counts if it's with another person. No doubt self-fondling, otherwise known as masturbation, is a daily occurrence in said locations.
This one is mainly for first-year students, but if any older students wish to crash a first-year dorm, you automatically earn double points.
Four Points -- Dining hall ... uh, I eat at Newcomb so best restrict all sexual activities to the bathrooms. It's kosher if you kiss inside the actual dining hall, but do anything more and subtract five points.
Five Points -- Any form of sex on the 50-yard line in Scott Stadium. Halve the points if you're a football player -- no doubt you have an easy in. Full points are for people who have to work for it (or in this case jump).
Six Points -- Any act above kissing should earn points if it's done in the roommate's bed -- five additional points if the roommate is still in the bed. For anyone wanting to play but remain somewhat chaste, feel free to count intense hugging. While I find this objective amusing, I hesitate to encourage the soiling of property, especially my own, so I hope my roommates will forgo these points.
Seven Points -- Amphitheater stage. Triple action score if done during the day.
Eight -- Pick a mate! (Sorry, bad Kings joke.) I mean, Eight Points -- having any sexual encounter in a professor's office. Note -- subtract eight points and seek psychological services if it's with the professor.
Nine Points -- Having sex in the back of a moving rickshaw (half-points for giving or receiving manual stimulation). This may only be possible during warmer weather when rickshaws are operating. So for now, use a taxi as a supplement and be sure to shower thoroughly afterwards.
Ten points -- Having sex on the Lawn or steps of the Rotunda. This may sound easy, considering it's an open space with ample entrances and exits. So to make things interesting, you must prove you are a real Wahoo by dressing up as a Cavalier (sword and all) or covering your naked self in head to toe orange and blue. Three points can also be awarded for making use of a Lawn room. (No paint necessary!)
Zero points for any activities done in your own bed and negative 10 points for all sexual acts committed in a fraternity house (unless of course you're dating one of the brothers).
The Grand Prize? Complete 10 objectives and I will dedicate an upcoming column to you and your willingness to experiment.
Megan Hein is a Cavalier Daily Health & Sexuality columnist. She can be reached at hein@cavalierdaily.com.
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