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Hold the porn, pass the chicken

Until recently, I was what you might call a porn virgin. I never really avoided porn; it was just something I hadn't experienced -- kind of like eating a squirrel. I've never tried it, it never comes up, and I have a feeling I might not enjoy it.

My first porn experience was a few weeks ago and started with me innocently telling three of my friends that I had never watched porn. My boring Saturday night became infinitely more interesting. Suddenly, we had the greatest idea ever -- we should watch porn. But I didn't have any. An easy fix. My neighbors would certainly have porn. And lucky for us, they did.

It was not how I had imagined watching porn in a group -- we were sitting in a dark room in absolute silence. As for the porn, I thought there would be some costumes and bad acting, but apparently I had borrowed what is known as "hardcore" porn, which kept the talking to a minimum. The novelty quickly wore off and everything became instantly awkward. After a while, I started wondering if any of my friends were actually getting into it, and that was a creepy thought. Fortunately, everyone seemed equally uncomfortable, so we all made excuses and called it a night.

The next day I had to return the movie. Here's the moral of the story -- never ever, ever, ever, ever borrow porn. Eventually you will have to return it and you will both know what you were watching. That is an awkward moment.

My second encounter with porn was far more amusing. It happened a couple weeks ago when a friend introduced me to a ritual known as Porn n' Chicken night or PNC for short. The idea is simple -- you eat fried chicken while drinking beer and watching porn. It's pretty much the definition of hedonism. Although I was once again watching porn in a group, it was far less awkward this time -- perhaps because we were drinking beer in a well-lit space and talking rather than sitting in complete silence. Everyone watched the movie as one might watch a cheesy B horror film -- laughing at the bad acting, turning away at the gross parts and trying to discern a plot line.

I found the female porn stars incredibly amusing. They made me think of cartoon men dressed up as women. The overabundance of "feminine" attributes had actually turned them into something not feminine.

Here are a few of my favorite recurring attributes:

1. Pencil-thin eyebrows with high arches that are better suited for cartoon villains

2. Nails that look like red talons

3. Heavy nighttime makeup during the day

4. Ridiculously off-balance, 100-lb "actresses" with D-cups and stilettos

5. Hair colors that don't exist in nature

6. Tan lines galore

7. Not sure what to call this one ... um ... semen facials? As in semen on the face.

I could probably go on all day, but for the sake of length I think it's best to focus on the last one. Without going into too much detail, I think it's necessary to tell every guy who ever dreams of having sex with a woman to take porn with a grain of salt ... and maybe a shot of tequila.

The facial maneuver was one topic discussed during PNC. Mostly, why do they always do it? One person hypothesized that porn subjugates women because it satisfies some need for men who were rejected by women in high school and college. Porn is their revenge. I really don't know how true that is, but it sounds plausible (or Freudian). My concern is more for the guys who see porn and think that's what women are into. If you shoot 100 girls in the face, five might go for it, but 95 are going to think you're a jerk.

Aside from the "facials," the sex, for the most part, looked comically uncomfortable. Between the moans and the "oh yeah"s were distinct looks of annoyance and discomfort. So what could make a woman look so uncomfortable? Assuming any orifice is fair game is a bad start and grabbing someone's head during fellatio is a no-no. Head-shoving is an invitation for biting.

At this point, someone is no doubt wondering what kind of porn I saw. To be honest, I'm not sure, because once again my knowledge is limited. One of my friends suggested I continue my education with a porno-fest, but I think I'll pass. Don't get me wrong -- it was amusing, but in the way "Plan 9 From Outer Space" is amusing ... arousing it was not.

I once scoffed at a letter to the editor that suggested the Health & Sex page cover romance; now I invite everyone to scoff at me when I say: Can't porn be sexy?

Megan Hein is a Cavalier Daily Health & Sexualitycolumnist. She can be reached at hein@cavalierdaily.com.

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