After a long summer of family road trips to obscure tourist attractions, counting down the hours until lunch at work and an unfortunate (and injurious) lesson at a square dancing club, I was at a loss for column topics. Maybe there are students out there who find "The Sonny Bono Wildlife Reserve" a deserving waste of gas and brainpower, but there are only so many words to describe a wildlife refuge in the middle of the desert founded by one of the only two men in the world crazy enough to marry Cher. Though I enjoyed every moment of my summer spent watching the entire John Wayne film collection, I forgot what it was like to interact with people my own age.
Inspiration finally came to me in the form of a first-year student, fresh from the world of varsity sports, SAT scores and dances that climax in Aerosmith's "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing." I was walking down Rugby -- on my way to a Scrabble tournament, of course -- and I heard a poor, peach-fuzzed chap say to some low-cut shirt-wearing ladies:
"Hey, where are you girls headed? I am going to Rugby Road."
The lady folk were not as unimpressed by this as they should have been and giggled, "Us too!" as if it were an outrageous coincidence that they were all crossing Beta Bridge at 11 p.m. Friday with the same destination in mind.
I didn't have the heart to tell them that they were already on Rugby and had exposed themselves as mere first-years, undoubtedly with only one plan for the night: free drinks and easy love without their parents' permission.
Upon entering college, first-year students hear the same things over and over again: Don't let your school work pile up, get involved, don't gain the freshman 15, et cetera. Well, after witnessing that awkward and painful conversation on Beta Bridge, I have a few more things to add to that list.
First of all, if you thought that ISIS stood for "Integrated Student Information System," you could not be more wrong. It really stands for "I (kill many) Seedlings (because of the) Inordinate (amount of course action forms needed to be) Signed." Remember that for next semester.
Secondly, do not pop your collar. Just don't do it. I know this subject is overdone by writers across the University's publications, but it needs to be put out there. Not only will the 80 percent of the student body who do not pop their collars attack you with malicious rhetoric behind your back, but, quite frankly, you will be out of style. Yes, you heard it from me first: Wrap dresses and seersucker blazers are the new staple in prep-tastic this season.
Also, do not streak the Lawn with sneakers on. You are not completely naked while still wearing footwear and therefore, it does not count. (But don't sue me if you cut your foot on a wayward nail, contract tetanus and have to have your foot amputated.) Furthermore, remember that the Lawn is not flat -- there are multiple drop-offs and even rope obstacles that you should be aware of. This warning is my kind deed for the day, for I do love to laugh at people when they fall.
Finally, on a positive note, do listen to all of those unsolicited advice givers. Try not to gain the freshman 15 -- unless you look like Nicole Richie, in which case, please do. Do not let your reading pile up; it's just a bummer. Do get involved. Join a club or other interesting organization. Do go to Carter Mountain to go apple picking, go ice skating downtown, visit the Natural Bridge, eat on the Corner, use your Arts Dollars, take advantage of the unlimited supply of ice milk, take classes that you don't need for your major and see the Lighting of the Lawn.
And most importantly, enjoy living with thousands of people your own age who do not force you to watch John Wayne movies.
Maggie's column runs biweekly Fridays. She can be reached at jones@cavalierdaily.com.
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