Valentine's Day can be complicated for college men. It is a day for expressing feelings, but college men are emotional rocks. It is a day for dressing nicely, but college men see clothing as necessary only for those planning to attend class, thus nullifying the point. It is a day for heavy spending on that special someone, but college men solicit sperm banks for beer money. (Theoretically, they could spend such obtained funds on clothes, but pain doesn't disappear on its own, people.)
Valentine's Day can be also be confusing for guys because so much of the holiday is focused on materialism. Today, I hope to furnish young men with the resources to give their ladies the Valentine's Day they deserve -- and in a meaningful way rather than with empty Russell Stover tins. With that, I present to you the 2008 edition of:
"The Wiles Way: 10 Tips to a Very Meaningful Valentine's Day"
(And Hopefully, Dude, You'll Totally Score)
Valentine's Myth #1: A guy should start the day by sneaking into his valentine's apartment with help from her roommate, scatter presents and decorations, and later take his lady to a romantic dinner.
Solution: Once you're in her room, leave Post-it notes everywhere stating areas in which she needs to improve. Then, take the roommate to dinner. Your special someone will appreciate having the time alone to reflect.
Valentine's Myth #2: Write a piece of original Valentine's poetry for your woman.
Solution: Poetry, schmoetry. Nothing says "I love you" like original gangster rap. If you aren't the creative type, a dramatic reading of "Hip Hop Hooray" or "O.P.P." is acceptable.
Valentine's Myth #3: A guy should give his valentine lots of those candy hearts that are better suited for chalking a sidewalk advertising Guide Service tryoutsthan eating and that sport phrases like "Be Mine," "True Love," "Totally," "I Know," "Yes," "No," "Only on My Cigarette Break," "Wherever the Cops Won't Find It" and "It Came Back Positive."
Solution: Don't.
Valentine's Myth #4: Shower your love with tender Valentine's kisses.
Solution: Heart-shaped hickeys. No good at it? Stay late after practice and take extra reps, sport. Champions are made, not born.
Valentine's Myth #5: Buy your woman flowers on Valentine's Day.
Solution: You can uproot flowers with the wrist strength of the kid who was cut from the high school marionette team. Is that how you want your lady to think you view the relationship -- weak and unstable? Show her how deep your roots run by giving her her very own magnolia tree. Or better yet ... weeds. Let her know that no one is going to pull you out of her soil without a little elbow grease.
Valentine's Myth #6: Give your girlfriend a surgical-enhancement gift certificate from her "secret admirer."
Solution: True statement. It's Valentine's Day. Get your business handled.
Valentine's Myth #7: Cook an elegant, romantic dinner for your lady, served with candlelight and champagne.
Solution: Get your head out of the clouds. Your woman wants a rock, a man who is in touch with reality. Fancy dinner? Try Hot Pockets while thumbing through old issues of National Geographic -- some people on this Earth don't have !@#$%&* food. Next, pop in a teen pregnancy video -- what can two clinking champagne glasses always lead to? Finally, present her with a brochure from Smokey Bear as a reminder of what that tiny, flickering "romantic" flame is just moments away from becoming.
Valentine's Myth #8: Shower your girlfriend with stuffed animals on Valentine's Day.
Solution: Shower your girlfriend with stuffed animals on Valentine's Day. But not the same old boring Beanie Babies. Plan a trip to the taxidermist. What better way to say "I'm in this for the long haul" than an authentic, U.Va. Grounds-bred squirrel preserved for eternity?
Valentine's Myth #9: Buy your special someone a Valentine's card with flowing words of love and affection that were in fact written by a man who works in a Hallmark cubicle and bears an uncanny resemblance to Milton from "Office Space?."
Solution: Give her a card with words written by (checks clipboard) you.
Valentine's Myth #10: Write a column in February making fun of Valentine's Day.
Solution: Leave the space blank and spare the people. They're tired from fighting over the last tin of Russell Stover's.
Austin's column runs biweekly Thursdays. He can be reached at awiles@cavalierdaily.com.
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