With a column title like that, you probably think I’m going to talk about that ego-craycray sunglass-mannequin Kanye West. Well, I don’t care if he screams that he’s the VOICE OF THIS GENERATION in all caps on his blog every other day — he’s not. He can be my American boy but not the voice of my generation.
Does Kanye deal with the pressures of fitting in at school? Does he address the socioeconomic struggles of upper-middle class teenagers? Can he even fathom the perennial query of should I play basketball or — gee willickers — should I sing?
“High School Musical” 1, 2 and obvz 3, however, aren’t afraid to face these seemingly insurmountable problems. Everyone knows that together, they coalesce to create the world’s greatest theatrical trilogy of all time — “Star Wars”? Nerdy. “The Godfather”? You know there was a third one, right? “The Land Before Time”? Puhlease, that series didn’t even get good until XI: “Invasion of the Tinysauruses.” But HSM1-3 doesn’t stop at being the only movies worth anyone’s time. In fact, I will argue, Zac Efron and Co. are the voices of our generation.
You might point out that I was in college when HSM1 graced the Disney Channel, so what could it tell me about my life except that I’m an old creeper inappropriately watching young television programming? Answer: everything!
“We’re All in This Together”
HSM1 has a lot of preliminary lessons. First of all, at a public high school in Albuquerque, N.M., there can only be one Latina — and she just transferred in! But hey, there are two black kids — and I’m pretty sure Jason was meant to be mentally disabled — so Mickey will flip if you throw that “prejudice” word around.
You HSM newbs might think the moral of this entry-level DCOM — Disney Channel Original Movie, I should not have to explain that accro to you geez — was to follow your heart wherever it leads you as long as you’re being led there in stylin’ Claire’s accessories. And maybe if you were Jason — I’m serious, watch HSM1 and HSM3 (he only has one line in HSM2) — I could understand if you missed the real message even though they screamed it via song again and again.
The message: stick to the status quo, or fail. When that pothead — I believe the movie described his unwashed, red-eyed posse as “skater kids” but c’mon, I went to public school, I know what they were — started playing the cello, I wept a little. His friends need to crush his dreams now and put him in his place! There are smoke detectors in the Carnegie Hall bathroom — he has no future going down that road! You might want to point out that Troy and Gabriella followed their dreams and turned out fine. But that’s different ‘cause they’re attractive.
And with the communism-propaganda show-ender “We’re All in This Together,” the message is that you better accept your place in society, because if one cog of the proletariat machine acts up, well it’s the Soviet Union all over again.
Best quote in HSM1: “Maybe we’re being ‘Punk’d.’ Maybe we’ll get to meet Ashton!” — Ryan
Best song: “Bop to the Top”
“All For One”
Oh, fickle little Efron. While HSM1 showed us the wonders of working for the common good in a classless, stateless political system where everyone gets their voice in the songs, the second little Efron gets his real voice in the movie — trivia time! HSM1 was written for Troy as a tenor, but Efron is a baritone so they altered his in the first then let it pop up in the sequels — the real diva comes out. And that diva, my friend, is capitalism.
At first, HSM2 might just seem a silly excuse to rehash the same characters in pretty much the same plot but hey, look kids, it’s at a country club so the preteens are in bathing suits this time — if I was the only one who saw the Kevin Bacon lecherous “Wild Things” allusions in Troy and Gabriella’s late-night pool smoochfest, then you guys need to buy a clue! But like most of the things I assume you’re thinking, this too is stupid stupid stupid. HSM2 is obviously a brutal critique of America and its capitalist pigs.
Troy’s dad explains that “the team is now ... but everyone has their own future” to his son. The pretty blatant subtext: abandon your comrades and it’s time to look out for number one! Even Gabriella goes her “own way” — straight to the mother’s shoddy American-made gasoline-wasting minivan.
Even relatable, pink-clad Sharpay, also known as the girl with “more moves than an octopus in a wrestling match,” isn’t immune to the vicious class system when she questions fake-tanned Troy, “Do you want us to lose the Star Dazzle Award to a bunch of DISHWASHERS!?” [Emphasis in the original]. Now, I don’t blame those illegal immigrant dishwashers. It’s not their fault the vicious capitalist cycle has tainted them with greed so that they can’t be satisfied washing dishes at Applebee’s, but they also want to steal my Star Dazzle Award!
Things reach a sinful low with Mr. Efron’s descent into the black abyss of gambling with his musical mockery “Bet on It.” Maybe his skinny jeans and slim-fit polo were too tight, so he just went crazy. But no, comrade, I think it was his reckless pursuit for the almighty dollar — “for 40 bucks, I’d caddy for Godzilla!” — that’s just a hop, skip and a jump away from a prostitute’s reasoning, Mr. Efron.
Speaking of a hop, skip and a jump, in case you forgot “Bet on It” and thus the seriousness of the situation, here’s a brief play-by-play: running on AstroTurf, triumphant twirls, stomping, Michael Jackson-esque moonwalking, jazz hands, fist pumps, bunny hops through the desert brush, throwing sand, hair swishes, some golfing — it is on a golf course so hey, why not? — a horrifying reflection in the water, falsetto, moaning, splash!, West Side Story-esque threatening snaps, running and twirling and hopping into the forest, and finally freeze-framing on the rocks. It’s a hot mess in the truest sense of the words. While the first movie ended with togetherness and fun, the sequel ends with status quo overthrows — Sharpay’s closet-case choreographer brother snags the Star Dazzle Award!? — and a song all about selfishness, “All for One,” which is only acceptable because it’s all for an attractive, but overly-tanned Zac Efron — seriously, the boy is orange this entire movie.
Best quote in HSM2: “Her mom makes the best brownies” — Ryan, followed by “I know. I’ve had them.” — Troy
Best song: “Humuhumunukunukuapua’a” (DVD or album only)
“I Want It All”
The theatrically-released threequel took everything that was great in the first two and made it more expensive, more bedazzled and bigger — all things that are 90 percent of the time great improvements.
There was only one problem with this, though: everyone’s — by everyone, I mean everyone that controls the content of this column, meeee — favorite character, Sharpay, gets totes screwed over. In a movie all about dreaming big and nice clothes, why must the best-dressed social climber end up with a fate worse than death!? A public university in her home state!? If that happened to me I would just...
Most importantly, HSM3 reminded us all that we’re getting old, and younger skinnier kids with swishier hair are right behind us ready to steal our game-winning points and gym lockers — I hate all those new characters. Don’t even get me started on that Sharpay-wannabe Brit — she cannot sing. HSM4 — you did know they already announced the fourquel right? — is going to be cancer for the eyes and ears. But none of the legit six — the bottom two might have cameos and I’m not going to identify them because that’s racist but come on, those two don’t have non-HSM careers so what else are they going to do? — are coming back, so HSM4 will get some new preteens and craft the voice for the next generation.
Best quote in HSM3: “If you own any orange get rid of it.” — Sharpay (our school colors are half horrible!)
Best song: “Now or Never” because that part where Gabriella appears from the crowd is real emotional.
Steve’s column runs weekly Fridays. He can be reached at s.austin@cavalierdaily.com.
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