Usher’s “U Got it Bad,” J.T.’s “Lovestoned” and Van Morrison’s “Crazy Love” are just some of the songs that pay tribute to the power of attraction — the kind of attraction that causes you to put everything else in life on hold. The kind that stops you from operating normally and that makes you zone out every five minutes just to analyze that last encounter you had with the person you love or to plan the next one. The kind of attraction that, when left unattended to, can make all of the pastimes you once held dear into mere filler for the moments in which you can’t stand to think about your desire anymore. In simpler words: it’s the kind of attraction that no matter how hard you try, you can’t ignore.
The question is: when you find yourself in the middle of such a scenario, what do you do? While people may typically define such a condition using music, poetry or books, I think it is high time that a lowly Life columnist like myself took up the task of addressing what it truly is to be “Lovestoned” and to provide a few words of commentary about its place in the college life — at least from a guy’s perspective.
The symptoms are clear. You direct all of your senses to searching her out on a daily basis. As you walk to class, your eyes quickly scan the crowds in search of a tell-tale profile or style of dress. You can’t help but turn and look every time you see someone with the same hair color or similar height as hers.
And the longer you go without seeing each other, the faster your senses slip into a state of constant misperception. Suddenly, you confuse her 5-foot-9 frame with anyone between 5-foot-6 and 6-foot and weight becomes inconsequential. Eventually, you start whirling your head around every time you catch sight of an object — animate or not. Your ears begin to lock on to every girl’s voice within a quarter mile radius and you listen to see if it’s her laugh or her words that are filling the air.
Soon, you don’t even need to hear or see anything at all; just recall a memory so real that you think she’ll walk up behind you that very second with a sheepish grin and gleam in her eye and say, “It’s about time we were together again.” And all the while you are excited and anxious and torn and ready and disoriented at the same time so that you’re not sure if it’s pleasure or torture that’s been having its way with you since the day you met her.
When you are without her, no laugh or smile is ever whole-hearted because a part of you can’t be fooled into forgetting that she’s not there and that she’s not yours. Every time you say that you are hungry or thirsty or sleepy or need a new pair of sunglasses, you know that you would gladly give up satisfying any of these desires just to see her again, if only to ask how her week has been or to conjure up small talk about the weather or the annoyance of exams.
When you are together, you view every aspect of her only in relation to yourself. You see her eyes not as an instrument that is used to see, but rather as something to be seen. Her hair gives you no impression of style or attitude, but appears to be there simply for you to brush out of her eyes when the wind blows across her face. Her hands are no longer only for holding books or paintbrushes, but are there so that you can hold them.
And although I could go on, I think by now you understand what kind of attraction I’m talking about. It’s not the “We’ve been dancing with each other for a half an hour in a dark room so I guess we should hang out again” phenomenon, nor is it the “Whatever, we’re in college” relationship. Though these frames of mind have their place in every college student’s mind, they seem much less likely to produce the kind of relations that older generations tell us will be the real joys of our lives.
We, however, are not part of an older generation. Sure, this is our youth and our time to make mistakes, but I think we must always be on the lookout for the kinds of people who do more than fill some void in our lives.
In a climate defined largely by hookups and purely physical relationships, the question remains: what should we do to find that person who is worth building something more with?
Assoc. Psychology Prof. Jonathan Haidt answers the question in this way: “Think of passionate love as a legal, wonderful, but potentially dangerous drug. Use it wisely. Go slow to lengthen the high.”
While his psychological evaluations of love sometimes leave something to be desired with regard to romance, I think Haidt is right when he says that long-lasting love is something to be nurtured and cultivated, rather than sprang upon like all-you-can-eat sushi at China King Buffet.
So, during the upcoming months of summer — known all too well as a time for flings and wandering emotions — I hope we will all keep our eyes peeled and our ears open for significant others worth more than a late night text or weekend meeting. And, if you’re lucky enough to find one, maybe pause to think if you should take things slowly this time around. With that, I wish you all the best of luck with exams, a wonderful summer vacation, faith, hope and love.
Andy’s column runs biweekly Mondays. He can be reached at a.taylor@cavalierdaily.com.
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