Top 20 ways to avoid thinking about what you are going to do for Valentine's Day:
20. Look up a really complicated recipe online and try to make it using only the ingredients you have at your house. Disclaimer: This will not taste good.\n19. Watch Lifetime movies.\n18. Call someone you don't really like and try to have a meaningful conversation with her.\n17. Pretend you're a dinosaur. Hop on the counters in your apartment. Start screaming indiscernible curses when someone tries to drink with anything other than T-Rex arms. Start arguments about how dinosaurs went extinct because of global warming and the inability of the bureaucracy to listen to the pressing issue of what the overabundance of burning fossil fuels is doing to our wildlife population.\n16. Download music from your childhood. "Smoke a cigar, like Kareem Abdul-Jabar, just bite it, it's for the look, don't light it." That sort of thing.\n15. Begin memorizing the list of two-letter words for Scrabble. This will have an immediate impact on your ability to play words in key situations that you can't afford to mess up. You'll thank me later.\n14. Watch YouTube.com tutorials about how to dance to hip-hop movies. Most of the people I know are already doing this, but just in case you haven't started busting a move.\n13. Find a stray kitten. Feed the kitten until it is strong like an ox. Take said kitten with you everywhere so that those frat boy bullies will stop beating you up and taking your lunch money. Also so those sorority girls will stop beating you up and stealing your dignity.\n12. Dream about the day that you won't have to come up with a list of things to avoid thinking about the single worst holiday created merely so guys will have to think "outside the box" and "be sensitive" and "respect women." This can be looped in with wishing the Easter Bunny were real, as well as believing that Hillary Clinton is a well-qualified candidate for Secretary of State.\n11. Start worrying about the fact that for the past eight paragraphs, you haven't been using your time wisely to come up with a good gift idea for that special someone.\n10. Start panicking about that good gift idea.\n9. Start panicking about the fact that in just two weeks, you will have to present a terrible gift to someone who you really wanted to impress with a great gift and have instead let down terribly by purchasing the latest Nickelback album. Side note: When is someone going to stop letting them record?\n8. Cry.\n7. Start making up for how much of a disappointment V-Day will be for her by telling her how much you love her outfits. Also tell her that you love how she takes hours in the shower because it gives you time to prepare for how beautiful she looks after she has had adequate time to rejuvenate her ageless appearance. Or some such nonsense.\n6. Cry some more.\n5. Start Googling "great gift ideas for Valentine's Day."\n4. Realize that there are no great gift ideas for Valentine's Day.\n3. Find consolation in the fact that there are hundreds of guys everywhere who are in the same boat as you.\n2. Hold some sort of meeting for all the guys out there who really hate Valentine's Day and want it all to end now.\n1. Hope that Cupid chokes on his own arrows.
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