The University is the third cleanest-shaven school of the 60 studied in a Septemeber Shick Hydro study. Just behind Texas Tech University and James Madison University, an impressive 84 percent of our men shave. I was so flabbergasted when I saw these results that I let out a gasp on the first floor of Clemons Library. Sorry, frantic midterm studiers - I saw your judgmental glares. What shocked me so much was not really that we are clean-shaven, but that JMU actually beat us in something! From demolishing Virginia Tech in football earlier this season to beating us by 12.5 percent in this even more important contest - not a razor-thin margin by any means. Maybe it is the gold and purple we really have to watch out for ... Nah, we probably would have edged ahead of them if our men also raged every hour of every day, rioting instead of reading, pulling from handles instead of pulling all-nighters. Clemons has most amenities to make late-night study sessions bearable, but a shaving station is not one of them. So it really just comes down to us not having time to shave because we are doing better things. Our guys are cream-of-the-crop students, so they really do not need shaving cream to help with that.
Did I really just get defensive about these study results? This is pathetic. First of all, Schick Hydro did this survey, so of course it is not biased at all. Why on Earth would a razor company want to glorify smooth faces? They have absolutely no conflict of interest, no reason to try to make shaving a competition between schools. Nah, they totally do not want more men to buy more of their razors and shaving cream. That would be like Natural Light ranking the top party schools. Natty is not affiliated with drinking whatsoever, so duh it's not like they're trying to tap into the college market by brewing spirits of competition.
The illegitimacy of this survey aside, the trend of shaven faces at this institution reveals a lot about the men who go here - most important, that half of our first-year students have not yet gone through puberty. Sometimes I cannot tell if they are precocious fifth-graders from Northern Virginia, already freaking out about their PSAT scores, going on admissions tours or if they are indeed college students. So there we go, these boys contribute to our percentage significantly. Also note that this school does not have many alternative students. Diversity this, diversity that, but when is the last time you saw someone with too many tattoos, an Iron Maiden T-shirt and a scruffy beard? It just does not happen here. Picture your typical frat star: white "UVA" hat, bean boots, khakis, collared shirt, tie, sweater ... Tom-Hanks-after-a-year-on-the-island-in-"Castaway" beard? Didn't think so.
I actually love stubble; I think it adds personality and intrigue. Personality and intrigue are exactly what frat stars do not have, however. Mr. Jefferson himself would not have been a proponent of grizzly beards, but he was also a ginger, so I don't know if I respect his opinion on hair as much as I would on something like, you know, the architecture of the University? Still, taking his ideals into account, Jefferson was an avid proponent of physical activity and personal health. The University, and the guys more noticeably than students elsewhere, pride themselves on exterior attraction. Facial hair has a dirty connotation, so it makes sense that guys would want to have a clean image. We have good ol' boys, not grungy ol' mountain men.
It is also interesting to note that Schick performed this research as a catalyst for its "Hydrovention" campaign, a play on A&E's "Intervention." You can nominate your scruffiest friend to get whisked away by Schick on a vacation, just by going whisker-free. As further incentive, Schick threw in the statistic that clean-shaven men have sex roughly - and I mean that as a statistical adjective - 15.5 times per month versus 7.8 times for men with facial hair. And with that stat, every male at the University ran to CVS, bought a Schick razor and proceeded to shave meticulously. Maybe this campaign is effective after all. As a second-year woman, I dedicated an entire column to male facial hair ... Next week: chest hair.
Elizabeth's column runs biweekly Wednesdays. She can be reached at e.stonehill@cavalierdaily.com.
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