The Christmas season has come upon us. This was rude of the Christmas season, because usually it’s good to warn your partner before that happens.
I sincerely apologize. Christmas and winter break are not a time for filthy double entendres. Christmas is a time for family. So I had decided to write you all a family-friendly Christmas story this week, departing from my usual uncensored filth (this, dear reader, is a little in-joke for the editors of The Cavalier Daily who told me I couldn’t use the word “sex” in a column because presumably you kids still haven’t had that explained to you).
Unfortunately, after a few tries (“Hubert the Quadruple Amputee Saves Christmas” and “Santa Brings the Good Kids Adderall”) I realized family-friendly wasn’t my forte, so I’ve given that up completely. Instead, I’ll give you my wise unwanted fourth-year perspective on finals — especially those of you who are first years and therefore still more pupae then people.
So, finals. I won’t get into stress management because I’ve already written a column about that, and as anyone who has seen my famous eye twitch can assure you, my tips were all incredibly effective. Instead, I thought you could all use a little more specific advice on what you may expect in your final exams, by subject. Bear in mind I have not actually taken most of these classes. But here goes:
ANTHROPOLOGY: Probably you will be asked about indigenous peoples, and whether or not they should be hunted for sport. (No.)
ARCHAEOLOGY: These tests will largely consist of multiple-choice questions, such as “If you find the Ark of the Covenant, should you open it? (A) Yes (B) No © Maybe (D) Only if you are a Nazi.”
ART HISTORY: The finals for art history classes usually consist of seeing who can make the best rudimentary shelter from a cardboard box, and then who can get the most money for aluminum cans they have picked off the street. Like all class finals, it prepares the students majoring in the subject for their coming professional career.
STUDIO ART: As long as your final project is something incredibly pretentious and has vague phallic imagery in it somewhere, you are good to go.
ASTRONOMY: Expect questions about space.
BIOLOGY: The test will mostly be comprised of questions such as “What are frogs made of?” “How are jellyfish born?” and “What is the best way to make friends with a cat?”
CHEMISTRY: It’s hard to tell exactly what’s on the test because usually they’re too smeared with tears.
CLASSICS: See ART HISTORY.
COMPUTER SCIENCE: 0011010010110101001010100101001010.
DRAMA: Your finals will be a rich tapestry of interesting and applicable knowledge, which will carry you forward into a life of rewarding work and financial gain.
EAST ASIAN LANGUAGES (Chinese/Japanese): See CHEMISTRY.
ECONOMICS: Write a short essay explaining what economics is, being sure to not reveal that although you are a fourth year at one of the finest public schools in the nation you’re still not sure what the exact definition of economics is.
ENGLISH: I’m not going to make fun of you poor bastards; you’ve been given a hard enough time as it is.
ENGINEERING (Any type): Your final will be you working on a project for 48 hours, having it fail completely, contemplating dropping out of school and becoming a roadie for Bon Jovi, and then having a nice moment where you remember that no matter how poorly you do, you’re still almost definitely going to get a job. Things aren’t so bad.
ENVIRONMENTAL SCIENCES: Your final will consist of sinking a whaling ship which takes all 230 souls
aboard to the deep cold embrace of Neptune.
FRENCH: Your final will consist of surrendering to the German class.
JEWISH STUDIES: Sorry I put you right next to the French joke. That was poorly planned.
MATHEMATICS: See CHEMISTRY.
MUSIC: Oh, I don’t know, “Harvest,” because I assume if you’re majoring in music your name is probably something like Harvest. Your final consists of strumming on a zither on the Corner. You disgust me.
PHILOSOPHY: Your final will consist of proving that your final, theoretically, does not exist, and is therefore meaningless.
POLITICS: God knows.
RELIGIOUS STUDIES: Your final will consist of deciding you’re going to drop your religious studies major and just focus on the other one instead.
SPANISH: Your final will be about Spanish vocabulary and grammar, idiot.
WOMEN, GENDER & SEXUALITY: Any joke I make here will get me in trouble with about 35 percent of my friends on Facebook, so pass.
So, in a nutshell, that’s what to expect. Once you’ve finished, congratulations! You’re free! Pack up your dorm room and head home to the loving embrace of your parents, which will last for exactly three minutes before they ask you if you’ve picked a major yet, at which point you break down into tears and scream “WHAT DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN WHEN YOU NAMED ME HARVEST?” causing your parents to just stare at you blankly while, from over in the corner, your siblings Stormfront and Basketweaver nod in silent support. Some people never learn.
Chris Bauer is a humor columnist for The Cavalier Daily.
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