Student self-governance laid to rest

Students gathered under the watchful eye of administrators Monday to lay student self-governance to rest. Vice President Pat Lampkin watched the ceremony from afar while Dean of Students Allen Groves worked to placate upset participants.

“I want to thank your generic community for a perfectly standard investment in U.Va.,” Groves said to each passing student. “I remember a story from my days in Law School here. […] Thanks for listening,” he added, high-fiving everyone.

Forming the line to walk past the casket was fairly easy for the upwards of 30 people in attendance. University Judiciary Committee and Student Council members took their uncontested positions in order. There was some scrambling among members of the Honor Committee, but officials from Phi Delta Theta sorted things out.

Incoming Student Council President Jalen Ross, a third-year Engineering student, gave the lifeless corpse’s hand a hearty shake.

“We’ll remember you, man,” Ross said. “You helped out with the food pantry, didn’t you? Thanks for that.”

Incoming UJC Chair Tim Kimble, a third-year College student, had not yet formulated his opinions on the death of student self-governance.

“Our Committee is going to have to meet about that and get back to you with details,” Kimble said to the hollowed-out eyes of the once-great University tradition.

Cavalier Daily Editor-in-Chief Rebecca Lim, a third-year College student, said the funeral needed more innovation, mostly for the sake of creating some, and spoke about her personal relationship with student self-governance.

“Pontifications about student self-governance made about up at least 30 percent of our filler quotes,” Lim said. “It’s certainly going to leave a big hole in our hearts and our pages. Thankfully, our staff is willing to embrace the artistic value of white space.”

Outgoing Honor Chair Evan Behrle joined incoming Honor Chair and doppelgänger Nick Hine to discuss the real essence of self-governance.

“Student self-governance was always an important — nay, a necessary — part of our rhetoric,” said College students Behrle and Hine in unison. “We haven’t been doing a good job on diversity, or athlete spotlighting, or community outreach, or improving voter apathy. I’m not sure how we’re going to tackle that little ‘h’ honor thing without student self-governance.”

Outgoing UJC Chair David Ensey questioned whether the University’s heavy-handed policies in fraternity life, student government appropriations and Residence Life, along with blatantly ignoring student concerns about the Living Wage and removal of the Rotunda’s magnolia trees, had negatively affected student self-governance’s health. Ensey was last seen having a conversation with Lampkin at the edge of a short pier and The Cavalier Daily could not confirm his whereabouts.

Andy Petters, assistant dean for Residence Life, said he had worked tirelessly to keep student self-governance alive.

“We always work to empower [Resident Advisors],” Petters said. “Unless they are running a program, because the requirements make sense. Or if they’re addressing an incident, because we really need professional involvement when it comes to incidents. And don’t get me started on Band-Aids, because we just cannot trust our RAs with Band-Aids.”

Members of the Minority Rights Coalition were not present at the event.

Faculty Senate Chair Dr. Christopher Holstege represented the faculty, asking the librarians to represent themselves separately.

“As mostly Ph.D. academics who have not spent time outside a university since high school, we were never really sure what to do with student self-governance when it was alive, but we will certainly miss it in its absence,” Holstege said. “I’ve only been at this job for one year, so I never really got to meet student self-governance while it was alive and healthy, but I hope it’s in a better place — maybe Williamsburg, or something.”

Holstege, who also serves as the director of Student Health, head of poison control and the head of every department on Grounds, said student self governance had died a long and painful death.

“First, people slowly lost faith in the honor system,” Holstege said. “Then people stopped caring about diversity, and then students just stopped running for office. That and a recent mumps outbreak about did it.”

University Police Chief Michael Gibson said the police are still investigating the exact cause of the death. “The suspect is described as a black male being 6 feet in height, heavy build, with dark clothing,” Gibson wrote in an email. “Anyone with information about this case is asked to call me at 703-912-1725.”

Gibson said he would email the student body with updates Wednesday after he completed the next bomb threat drill at Carruthers Hall.

April Fools!

This article is part of our annual April Fools’ Day issue. Pick up a print copy on stands today!

Or click here to read more online!

related stories