My dad buys a lot of weird stuff. He’s addicting to buying glass bowls, especially blue ones. He fills them with shells he found on the beach. This is exciting for him, until he realizes that there is no more surface room in the house for the bowls he keeps buying. He also has a very flimsy concept of the ironic. This leads him into making all sorts of other purchases. The point of this story is that he went to Pennsylvania or one of those states and came back with two wolf shirts.
It fell to me to decide which of these wolf shirts is the worse shirt. The first one is a three wolf moon shirt, but it’s not the one you see on Amazon if you search that phrase. It’s some other design that happens to have three wolves and a moon. The other one is a shirt with two wolves standing upright wearing camo gear and holding assault weapons with the backdrop of the truck they drove here in. You might be thinking “woah, that’s super cool” or “I don’t believe for a second that exists. It’s simply too dumb to be real” or “obviously that’s the far worse shirt,” but hold on, dear reader. Let me explain why the first shirt is the worse one.
First off, the second shirt is clearly the dumbest shirt, perhaps of all time. But it knows that this is what it is. The shirt does not pretend for a moment to be classy in any way. This shirt knows that it came from the fiery pits of Walmart. The first shirt is not as ostentatious, but you get the sense from looking at it that whatever idiot drew those wolves howling at the moon thought he created real art, and the designers of the shirt thought they were bringing the world a product that isn’t totally stupid. That’s why I always wear it with a cardigan or a blazer. It presents itself as an item of class, and I often forget that I'm wearing a stupid wolf shirt. This is not possible with the second shirt. The first shirt is worse because it has tricked me into making it a part of my casual wardrobe, rather than something I save for parties. This is crucial to understand.
Nick Shahbaz is a Humor Writer for The Cavalier Daily.
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