SIS watches you.
You set your alarm for your 7:15 a.m. sign up time. SIS laughs when you get up at 7:05 a.m. to make sure nothing goes wrong, because SIS knows something will always go wrong — in fact, it plans on it.
7:06 a.m. You turn on your laptop. “So far so good,” you think to yourself. But SIS knows better. It eagerly awaits the moment nine minutes from now when it will destroy your life, or at least your fall semester.
7:08 a.m. Cavalier WiFi fails to connect. “Cavalier never works, so don’t freak out,” you think to yourself. But SIS relishes this. Its plot has just begun.
7:10 a.m. You restart the computer and the Internet opens without a hitch. “See, it’s all gonna be fine,” you think to yourself. SIS mocks your stupidity.
7:11 a.m. You gain access to the SIS webpage. Your heart rate quickens as your nerves kick in. “Dude, I told you not to freak out,” you think to yourself. But SIS knows your anxiety is warranted as it counts the seconds until your destruction.
7:12 a.m. You type the course numbers into your planner. You accidentally type one in wrong, but quickly realize your mistake and delete Organic Chemistry 6550 from your tentative schedule. “Good, something’s gone wrong and I’ve caught it. Phew, now it will all be fine from here,” you think to yourself. SIS knows that was a red herring. It planned this to boost your foolish confidence.
7:14 a.m. You refresh the page, waiting to hit enroll and get it all over with. Your pulse quickens and sweat collects on your forehead. “Quit freaking out over something this silly,” you think to yourself. But SIS knows you have reason to fear: SIS has a plan for you.
7:15 a.m. You hit enroll. And wait. The page loads and then… SIS crashes. “This bleeping program never works,” you think to yourself. But SIS never makes mistakes. SIS crashes intentionally to wreak havoc on your life.
7:17 a.m. You log back on to SIS. You hit enroll. Loading. Loading… SIS almost pities you as it observes your desperate face, but not quite.
7:19 a.m. Error. MDST 2010, the one class you need to declare your major, has no spaces left. “It had six spaces left when I checked last night,” you think to yourself. SIS grins maniacally as it notes your rising panic.
7:20 a.m. You frantically search for another class to fill your schedule. “MDST 3250: Sports and Popular Culture… cool… Friday at 8:00 a.m.… never mind,” you think to yourself as you scroll through the dwindling list of available courses.
7:22 a.m. Desperate, you click to add the sports class anyway. SIS stops you in your tracks. Error. “Media Studies majors and minors only,” you angrily read in your head. “If SIS would work, then I would be a Media Studies major by now,” you think to yourself. SIS, however, works quite hard. Just not to help you.
7:24 a.m. You add a two hour lecture on food deficits in Africa. “It will suck, but at least I’ll get rid of my non-Western perspective requirement,” you think hopefully to yourself. SIS will not allow hope. Error. “Instructor Permission Required,” you read, abandoning the hope you once had.
7:26 a.m. You find a 12 person lecture on William Faulkner at 8:00 a.m. Monday and Wednesday with the bonus of an 8:00 a.m. discussion on Friday. “This will totally not work again, and then I’ll be able to justify taking 12 credits without pissing off my parents,” you think optimistically. SIS does not tolerate optimism. SIS is where optimism goes to die, so…
7:27 a.m. “Congratulations! Enrollment complete,” you read to yourself, dreading re-reading all the incest and confusion of Faulkner you thought you finished in high school, except now you are expected to actually understand it. SIS pats itself on the back, congratulating itself on ruining yet another semester. SIS does not rest, however, because it must begin to torture its 7:30 a.m. victims.
Remember, SIS is watching you. Always watching…
Annelise Kollevoll is a Humor writer.
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