Unbelievable! This is an unbelievable turnout, I wasn’t expecting to see you in the chair for another year. That is what this campaign is about — it’s about bringing people, ordinary people like you together with their dentist! The momentum of this campaign has been nothing short of extraordinary, thank you for being here.
Let me begin by reiterating a point, let me make it clear and simple, there is no dentist that will fight harder against [Institutional tooth/InstiToothinal?] decay in this country, and to reform our broken dental health system.
Your impacted molar was caused by the greed, recklessness and illegal behavior of the people on Wall Street — oral hygiene should be a right, not a privilege. We need a revolution in the way the United States flosses!
Please keep your head still, it’s hard to reach your molars when you keep squirming like that. Now, the issue of wealth and income inequality is the great moral issue of our time, and we are going to inject the issue of morality into politics today, just as I am going to inject this novacane into your gums.
This country was built by men with wooden teeth, but this is the 21st century. We must change the way we do things. Today in America, we have the unfortunate distinction of having more people than in any other country on earth who suffer from dental apathy. Both our politics and your lateral incisors are crooked; we must straighten things out and begin to transform the calcified political establishment!
Brothers and sisters, this country faces a crisis. Institutional tooth decay occurs when plaque combines with the sugars and starches of the food we eat to produce acids that attack tooth enamel. Today we are fighting to establish a culture where Americans brush twice a day, floss daily, attend regular dental check-ups and recognize that by eating healthy foods and avoiding sugary snacks and drinks, we can begin to turn things around. Only then can we begin to reverse the entrenched and oppressive dental practices that “plaque” our nation. We all have to make sacrifices, I’m from Vermont, Ben is a person, Jerry is a person, but Ben and Jerry’s represents a significant corporate threat to the dental well-being of our people.
There is something profoundly wrong when the top one-tenth of 1 percent owns almost as many waterpiks and whitening strips as the bottom 90 percent; there is something profoundly wrong when over 50 percent of all regular cleanings today go to the top 1 percent. That has got to change, and that will change. As your Commandible-in-Chief, I will be sure to deliver equitable dental health. This great nation belongs to all of us, not just a handful of billionaires!
All over these United States people are coming together. In Portland, Oregon, in San Francisco, not in West Virginia, in my town of Burlington, Vermont, people are coming together around the issues. People want to smile. We are optimistic about the future of our teeth, and we reject the gloomy prognosis of halitosis.
There is far too little discussion in Washington about free access to public fluoridation — we must strive to create a society where all teeth shine brightly, not just those in the mouths of billionaires. I know what they’re saying about fluoridation, I too have watched Dr. Strangelove, but this is 2015. My goodness, your bicuspids are looking… pretty good!
I’m no tooth fairy. We will have to work hard to change these issues, and we will have to come together. We need to have more dental education and less incarceration. There is something profoundly wrong when in recent years we have seen a proliferation of dental health of millionaires and billionaires yet the average American is left with bad breath and poor gum health. Here is your toothbrush and some disposable dental flossers — I love these things, great for cleaning those hard-to-reach spots.
This campaign is sending a message to the billionaire class: yes we have the gums to take you on. Our message is: you are not going to continue to get preferential dental treatment when children in America develop cavities and don’t have the resources to get them filled. This lack of paste is leaving a bad taste in my mouth. You are not going to continue monopolizing the dentist offices of America when millions of Americans are in desperate need of a deep cleaning. You are not going to continue to flash your excessively expensive dental work! You are not going to hide your billions of dollars of profit in the Cayman Islands, their dentists are second tier! Enough is enough! It’s going to end!
Mike Breger is a former Humor writer.
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