Any fan of Virginia football who witnessed the loss that new head coach Bronco Mendenhall and the Cavaliers suffered this past Saturday at the hand of the Richmond Spiders must, at the very least, feel disheartened. A season filled with such promise (optimism buoyed by Mendenhall’s reputation of instilling discipline and accountability) already seems deflated just one game in. While it’s terribly early in the season to make any predictions, I want to prepare the Wahoo faithful for the fact that we might just have to accept this as a rebuilding season. In sports, a typical rebuilding season would include giving younger players more playing time, testing different offensive and defensive schemes and accepting losses for the sake of developing the coaching staff’s system. However, if we’re going to truly embrace a rebuilding season and invest in the future, let’s do it the right way: let’s demolish and rebuild Scott Stadium.
I know that seems like an extremely counterproductive measure to take, but bear with me. First of all, Scott Stadium can finally get a long overdue renovation; installing comfortable seating, building less appalling restrooms and having just one legitimate restaurant would make watching the “football” games a much more pleasant experience. During the construction, the football games will instead be hosted on the Lawn, with one end-zone being located on the steps of the Rotunda and the other the steps of Old Cabell. Obviously, in the spirit of streaking the Lawn, all games will be played in the nude. Larger student audiences than ever will be attracted to this game, less because of the nudity and more because now students won’t have to leave during the first 45 seconds to return to their tailgates. But we’ve only just started.
We’re going to rebuild Old Dorms, too. That’s right — every last one of them. They’re going to have air conditioning, non-infested walls and the bathrooms are going to resemble the Chamber of Secrets. We’re going to rename each of them after cool people, like Brogdon, Morgan and Fey. Bonnycastle is going to be an actual castle, complete with a dragon and a talking donkey. We’re going to construct the world’s least efficient metro station, ending the entire concept of “walks of shame.” Wheelie kid gets his own ramp. That all sounds like enough winning for one day, right? Wrong.
We’re going to tear down the Rotunda AGAIN, and you know what we’re going to build there? A Shake Shack. Just think of how incredible the tours would be if you began (and probably ended) your University Guide tours with a Shake Shack burger? We’ll even go to a new level. We’ll build a Walmart AROUND the Shake Shack, and you’re just going to hate how convenient that is. And that’s all we’re going to rebuild.
SIKE. Gooch-Dillard? Burned to the ground. Steam tunnels? Underground slip-n-slides. Trinity? Converted into a three-story Forever 21, and it’s going to be way more ratchet than before. Hell, we’re getting rid of Clem 2 anyhow. Let’s convert that entire space into an interrogation dungeon for Honor. Bodos? We’re actually just going make it so you can get toasted bagels — that’s all.
Obviously, we all want our football team to succeed. However, too easily do we forget it’s just a game, and it’s not about whether you win or lose the game, but how much revenue you can generate from it. So let’s toss whatever pride you’ve managed to cling to aside, and let’s make this the season of rebuilding. Given the pace of construction at the University, these projects are estimated to be finished by the Class of 2230’s graduation.
Brennan Lee is a Humor writer.
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