How to woo a U.Va. woman

You there! Do you have trouble talking to the opposite sex? Do women make you stutter and sweat? Do you suffer from crippling loneliness? Well, I have some advice for you! Read this handy guide on how to properly woo a “U.Va. woman.”

The first step to wooing a “U.Va. woman” is dressing the part. You never get the first chance to make a second impression. The nearest Vineyard Vines is 3 miles away; 18 minutes by car, 58 minutes by foot. Plan accordingly. Once you are decked from head to toe in monochromatic warm weather fabrics, it’s time to find out what her “interests” are. Think of this as just doing some research. Is she a Lululemon kind of woman, or does she exclusively shop at The Ragged Mountain Running Shop? Is Nordstrom her hangout, or does she rock Lily Pulitzer? This is important, as appearance is everything. 

Once you are dressed to the V, it’s time to start communicatin’. Talking to women may seem daunting, but it is possible with the necessary preparations. You may not know this, but women actually exist all around you. Your professor? A woman. Your dental hygienist? A woman. Your mother? A woman. 

What do women want to talk about? Literature? Music? Ancient philosophy? Nope. She wants to talk about you and your obsession with Rick and Morty — a little R ‘n’ M. Even better, throw in some impressions. We know you’ve been practicing them. 

Impress her with your lingo. Don’t make those classic first year slip ups with ‘campus’ and ‘freshmen’. If you really want to impress her, go the extra mile with your language. Instead of “U.Va.,” it’s “Jefferson’s Masterpiece.” It’s not the Rotunda, it’s the breast of American democracy. When she laughs, firmly insist she uses the lingo, too. Use this opportunity to create some sexual tension — seductively whisper “it’s Grounds” into her ear. 

Now that you’ve grabbed her attention, it’s time to take her out to eat and show that you’re a man with means. You can splurge for an $8.99 meal. There are actually a couple classy places to eat on the Corner besides The White Spot. A University staple is a little place called “Bodo's Bagels.” Bodo's Bagels is a quaint little breakfast place with great appetizers, like bagels. Another excellent choice is a burger joint called Boylan Heights — great music, great food and a really fast staff. Afraid to make conversation? Just watch the football game and grunt occasionally across the table! She’ll love it. 

After you’ve fattened her up, take her on a romantic walk through different areas on Grounds. Need some romance? Visit all the president’s gardens, and casually say, “You know, it’s kind of tradition to hook up in the gardens.” Mention that fun fact in every single one of the gardens to really emphasize the importance of tradition. Feeling crazy? Brave the steam tunnels. Show her that you’re a bad boy who doesn’t care about Class 1 misdemeanors. Find romance in the graveyard, or maybe playing hide and seek around the Confederate monuments. Explore the newly renovated Dillard, also known as the Paris of, well, Gooch-Dillard.The University is filled with wondrous and magical places to cultivate young love.

At the end of the night, take her to the Lawn and sit underneath the twinkling stars. Look deeply into her eyes and take her hand in yours. Gently brush her hair away from her face and lean in slowly. As she closes her eyes, bring her face close to hers and whisper “Wanna streak?”

Congratulations! You have successfully wooed a “U.Va. Woman!” It wasn’t that hard, was it? And you can do it all over again, tomorrow night!

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