Once finals are finished out of the way, you can finally sit back and watch hours of mind-numbing television with no guilt. As tempting as it is to just rewatch something you’ve seen a hundred times, there’s some new shows hitting the small screen this summer that I think are worth a watch. I’ve been waiting all semester for my classes to be over and here’s what I’ll be watching instead of using my brain.
Beach Party! Can’t Swim Edition
A rockin’ beach house, wild parties and 12 hot idiots who can’t swim to literally save their lives!
Biggest Hoes
A weekly countdown of the top 10 biggest hoes in Hollywood. Hollywood, Ala. that is. A quaint town with a population of 982 and only a four-minute drive to the ghost town of Bellafonte.
Fight Time
It's time to fight!!!
Fight Time Extreme
More extreme fights for more extreme people! Now with weapons!
Extreme Fight Time Extreme
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Real Murder Time
So you like true crime shows, huh? Just don’t look out your window at the murderers watching you watch their work. And don’t forget to sign the release to have your murder aired next week.
One the Side
Your favorite episodes edited to only show the side-plots. What are the boring characters doing today? Whatever it is I’m sure the writers didn’t spend too long on it.
Weather Channel
New weather every day!
Moon Weather Channel
Same weather every day!
Trash Buy!
Tag along with Anna-Marie-Anne and her husband Chip-Joe-Paul-Joe and his special friend Aaron as they scour through the dumpiest antique shops, yard sales and dumpsites to find the worst stuff to just kinda put around their house. Anna-Marie-Anne can see the potential in all the junk, but will this be the season she finally sees the true nature of her husband’s relationship with Aaron?
Courtroom Appeal
Finally a courtroom drama without any of that stupid made up drama, just a nice, accurate documentation of courtroom proceedings. This season pays special attention to people who take parking tickets to court and custody disputes where neither parent wants the kid.
Guess That State!
A fun new game show where coastal elites are shown a state from middle America and have to guess which state it is. Are they willfully ignorant or are their lives just more important because they live near water? Find out this week on the square-state special!
Guess that Ethnicity!
A fun new game show where middle Americans are shown an ethnically ambiguous person and must guess their ethnic background. Are they purposefully racist or have they just never met anyone who doesn’t wear SPF 90 sunscreen? Here’s a hint players — the answer will never be a color, it will always be a location.
Plotification
The most plot-centric episodes of shows that were pitched on formula alone and really don’t need plot. From medical dramas to some FBI nonsense, it's a different series each week to ensure that you get lost in the character relationships and full season arcs that you didn’t want to get dragged into when you put this show on in the background.
1.12 Centimeters
A documentary on the 1988 controversial lawsuit over the sizing of the squares on graph paper which claimed to have 1x1 centimeter squares. Don’t get lost in the beginning, you’re going to need all that information on the paper industry to understand the triple homicide they start talking about in hour two.
That Is Not Correct
Professional killjoys give a play-by-play of inaccuracies in everything from sci-fi thrillers to police procedurals — you’re guaranteed to hate it!
Real Interventions
What could possibly improve such a personal and vulnerable moment as an intervention? Making it a reality show of course! Enjoy getting to watch adults break down and cry as their loved ones confront them about their addiction problems, all in HD!
Ladders and Vacuums
Infomercials alternating every two hours between Giant’s Step 14-foot ladder and the Shark Duo Clean Mega-Power vacuum. And don’t miss that special 3:15-4:45 a.m. time slot to hear about the Shake Weight which, in some countries, qualifies as porn.
If you’re anything like me then you have zero plans of productivity over the summer, so hide yourself inside, make a real dent in the couch and just give in to the laziness you’ve been restraining all semester. Who knows, one of these shows could become your new favorite!
Emma Klein is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.
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