The Cavalier Daily
Serving the University Community Since 1890

Your plushies want to steal your identity

They watch you while you're sleeping, they know when you’re awake… and they know your social security number

<p>You know your stuffed animals? Your plushies? Your cuddly toys? Whatever you call them, they are more than cherished possessions. They serve a greater purpose than something to snuggle on a cool, rainy autumn morning.</p>

You know your stuffed animals? Your plushies? Your cuddly toys? Whatever you call them, they are more than cherished possessions. They serve a greater purpose than something to snuggle on a cool, rainy autumn morning.

Do you like conspiracy theories? Well, friends, I am about to blow your tiny, school-induced burnout minds. You know your stuffed animals? Your plushies? Your cuddly toys? Whatever you call them, they are more than cherished possessions. They serve a greater purpose than something to snuggle on a cool, rainy autumn morning. Their unblinking eyes watch you as you neglect your studies in favor of movie marathons and reorganizing your desk drawers for the hundredth time. Who is behind these secret spies? I do not have the faintest clue, but this cup of coffee by my side filled to the brim with an ungodly amount of espresso I had to bribe the barista to give me is making me think something tin-foil hat worthy is behind this whole mess. Right, I have not even gotten to explaining the whole situation. Allow me to elaborate.

There is a reason your parents throw out your stuffed toys once you reach that age when your digital footprint starts to form. It is for your safety — and is certainly not because you have outgrown the trivalties of an overfull bed and have slept face to face with fabric that has never been washed in fear that the stitches holding the toys together would snap. You see, they are watching. Who? The plushies. These creatures have their own priorities, you see, and they are dedicated to soaking in all your secrets. 

Their unblinking eyes watch you 24/7, catching glimpses of your credit card number as you struggle to decide whether it’s worth it to buy that one t-shirt you want but do not need. When you talk over the phone about your old childhood pets, the make and model of your first car and the city where your parents first met, they learn all of your security question passcodes and promptly gain access to that one obsolete website you made an account for and only used once. And if you dare text a friend about a movie you want to see in front of one of these innocent-looking spies, expect every social media website you visit to shove advertisements for said movie in your face for the rest of your life.

When I look around The Cavalier Daily’s main office, and observe the five plus Squishmallows seated around the room, I shrink in fear that they collect our secrets and are selling them off to some plagiarizing parody organization, probably named something like The Cavalier Day-By-Day or The Soldier Diurnal. I myself have been forced by this truth to dispose of my childhood toys, and now I present this reality to you. If you choose to ignore my warnings, dear friend, do not be surprised in two years time if your name suddenly pops up on the lease of three condos and your credit score drops so low it reaches the very bottom of the Mariana Trench.

Now, do not assume that your plushies are living. That would be absolutely otherworldly to declare. My credibility is on the line here. I could never go so far to publish such a preposterous claim on the internet. That job is reserved for the celebrity influencers and pyramid-scheme employees — pardon me — business entrepreneurs. 

But let me get back to my point. These plushies are simply collectors; they are agents of identity-theft for the real villains. It is not their fault that they are being used for these criminal activities, but the best manner of protection is to rid yourself of their presence. 

If you find yourself lacking companionship and warmth, I recommend conversing with Siri, spending hours and hours on online websites or purchasing an Amazon Echo. There is absolutely no way that the internet and countless electronic devices that are controlled by such honest, good-doing corporations would ever consider collecting your personal data to sell. No, you are better off ridding yourself of precious inanimate mementos rather than managing what private information you give up to social media and the worldwide web. 

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