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Dear First-Years — Five Guys Not To Waste Your Time With

Not to sound like a line but finding a date can be a struggle, and I can help with that

Hello, again, first years. We’re heading into summer and this is the part of the story where people begin pairing off. Dating in college can be a lot trickier than dating in high school. 

For one thing, when you were in high school, you could rely on your parents and siblings for emotional and social support. While at college, the people you choose to spend your time with can become your primary support system. 

Additionally, when dating in college you can spend a lot more time with your significant other than you did in high school. You don’t just see each other in class and on the weekends, but rather you see each other at Bodos, at Bilt, on the Lawn, at parties and between office hours.  

Last but not least, dating in college is far more likely to turn into a lifelong relationship. Just ask all the babies born into University onesies. But I don’t mean to scare you away from dating. Just caution you. So here’s a list — just one person’s opinion — of the five guys you should avoid this spring. 

The Guy Who Flirts With Everyone — Including But Not Limited To the Bouncer at Trin. 

He’ll flirt with anything that breathe — your friends. His friends. His exes. Your exes. Your friend’s exes. Girls with boyfriends. The boyfriends of those girls. People in the line at Christian’s. The guys who sit on the Corner. Grad students. First years. The bouncer at Trin. Bring him to your parents’ formal and by the end of the night your mom will be asking your dad for a divorce. Beware of the Universal Flirt. 

The New Member Educator Who Can’t Take A Joke 

He’s manly. He’s virile. He sees nothing wrong with an egg to the eye. He’s the toughest guy this side of Mad Bowl — until you make a joke at his expense. He’ll make jokes at your expense all day long, but if you even mention that time he thought Arlington was the capital of Virginia, he will throw a temper tantrum so extreme you will have to call in the National Guard.    

The Gentleman Who Puns While Hooking Up 

What do you get when you add one pun and one condom? Two many jokes.  

The Dude With All The Facts 

Facts, facts, facts. This guy doesn't care about your feelings because he cares about Facts. He’s the kind of guy who corrects your grammar while you’re crying. He needs to ground everything in pure logic because emotion makes him fidget and Facts are the way to expunge all unaccounted variables from the conversation. Something has left him with a deep need to define the world by strict and quantifiable metrics — this may manifest in the form of spell checking your texts, asking you to proofread his emails or Boylan Trivia. 

The One With Bad Timing 

Some will just have bad timing. He may be the perfect guy, but if the timing isn’t right — if you’ve just ended a long term thing, if you’re about to start a new chapter or if you’re pretty sure your roommate is trying to poison you and that’s what’s on your mind right now — dating someone, even if he is the nicest guy in the world, can be a bad thing. Give this one a nice goodbye, but call it a day before you ruin something beautiful.

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