The Cavalier Daily
Serving the University Community Since 1890

University President Jim Ryan to Announce Plan to Stop Invasive Raising Cane’s

This chicken tender tycoon now threatens our beloved Corner and our lives as we know it

The energy inside of the White Spot was tense as University President Jim Ryan met with the Board of Visitors there late last night in an emergency meeting to discuss the future of the Corner amongst a new threat — Raising Cane’s. Originally founded in Louisiana, this chicken tender tycoon has managed to insert itself into college towns all across the United States, effectively wiping out every family-owned restaurant within a ten-mile radius. It now threatens our beloved Corner and our lives as we know it. 

“This is unfathomable!” a Board member said between tears and Gus Burger bites. “I don’t even like chicken! I’m vegan two days a week!” 

Raising Cane’s first invaded our city along Emmet Street and the effects have been disastrous. Occupying a space right next to Popeyes and KFC, Raising Cane’s has managed to effectively wipe out the rest of the chicken market. 

Have you ever seen someone risk life and limb to drive across four lanes of traffic to get a Famous Bowl? Has Popeyes ever created main road traffic so bad you had to swerve into the neighboring lane and pray the person barreling forward behind you won’t hit you? Only Raising Cane’s has managed to bring this level of chaos to our streets. Despite this, the hold Cane’s already has on our quaint college town is simply not enough for these fast food frontiersmen. 

After recently opening its doors, Cane’s has eliminated any memory of its predecessor — our beloved Sheetz — and set up shop right at the center of our social scene. The restaurants currently on top of The Corner’s food chain, like The Virginian and Crozet Pizza, are no match for cheap chicken and a questionably small menu. With Cane’s poised to crush the competition, all of the small shops we know and love will go out of business. Our sacred Corner will become Caniac Combo Central. 

We managed to catch up with President Jim Ryan while he was on his daily run today. Well. more accurately, I attempted to chase him down on a Veo and yelled at him using a megaphone until he agreed to give a comment. 

“We must no longer let the chicken cross the road!” Ryan yelled while attempting to run away from me. 

Ryan is set to outline a comprehensive plan to protect the other restaurants on the Corner this afternoon. However, one of our reporters was able to recover the napkin he wrote this plan on from one of the trash cans in The White Spot and we were able to make out the majority of his plan — a scribbled note reading “DEPLOY CAVMAN.” 

Ryan’s plan is clear — he wants us to do absolutely nothing. Our noble knight in blue and orange, CavMan, will fix everything. After all, CavMan can ride a horse and has 2.8k followers on Instagram. That seems like enough for me. Why would we make this a community-wide problem when we already have our most qualified soldier on the job? We have so much to worry about as students already — like how many classes we can reasonably skip and how much caffeine we can drink in a day and still survive — so we simply do not have the brain power to add, “Save the entire Corner from shutting down” to our to-do lists. Let’s all do our part and simply ignore the problem at hand until CavMan makes it go away. 

We here at The Cavalier Daily will keep a close eye on this story and CavMan as this threat unfolds, but for now writing about this devastating tragedy has made me hungry. Chicken tenders, anyone?


Latest Podcast

Today, we sit down with both the president and treasurer of the Virginia women's club basketball team to discuss everything from making free throws to recent increased viewership in women's basketball.