Midterms are here, squirrels are beginning to store their rations, the leaves are turning yellow and that one kid in your discussion has already broken out the Patagonia puffer. That can only mean one thing — we’re entering cuffing season. For the uninitiated, cuffing season can be a strange, possibly disturbing, concept to grasp. So here’s Urban Dictionary’s definition —
“The cold season when everyone’s coupling up, so you settle for a new [significant other] way below your standards”.
Charming, I know.
As your self-appointed relationship therapist/life-coach/fairy godmother — yes, I wear many hats — I have compiled a list of individuals you should maybe steer clear of as you try to find “the one” this winter.
The Veo-Rider
So, admittedly, I may be biased as I had a Veo drive into me on the National Mall earlier this summer. However, my personal vendettas aside, Veo riders make for subpar partners. They clearly lack basic time management skills — otherwise, why would they ride a Veo to every lecture? In addition, they have a tendency to blame their partner for every minor mistake they make, much like they consistently blame pedestrians for their awful driving skills. Plus, do you really want to be seen walking alongside someone who regularly zips down McCormick swerving past people and causing massive traffic pile-ups?
Hereford Residents
Now, I have no issue with anyone who lives in Hereford. I’ll be honest, I’ve never even met a Hereford Resident, kind of like how I’ve never seen a koala in the flesh — and I plan to do both before I eventually kick the bucket. However, no one — I repeat no one — is worth that walk. The Walk of Shame is bad enough, but running into that first-year you TA for while wearing a partially undone shirt and suffering from the worst hair day you’ve ever had is something no one should have to suffer through. Trust me on this. I am sure they are great — they may even be the best you will ever get! Heck, they may go on to put man on Mars. But when you’re walking back past a parade of first years on their way to breakfast at 7:47 a.m. on a brisk December day, you will wish you had listened to that one Humour Columnist who warned you all those months ago.
Anyone in the Jefferson or Washington Debating Societies
Now, if you don’t know what these organizations are — good. You are doing better than most. For those of you who are aware of these societies, you probably know why most of their members are walking red flags. Still, for the sake of redundancy, let me outline some of the reasons to steer clear. First, they have a massive chip on their shoulder. All you need is to go on one date with them and they will name drop their society at least thrice while dissing the other one an equal number of times. Second, like the Veo Rider, they will refuse to accept their wrongdoing. However, unlike the Veo Rider, they will have a fleshed out, jargon-laden argument outlining why they are right, and you are wrong. If contentious, confrontational relationships are your thing, they’re right up your alley. If not, best to screen these folks out.
University President Jim Ryan
This one’s a bit different from the rest. There’s nothing wrong with this person — in fact it’s the opposite. University President Ryan is great, but he’s off-limits. He’s happily married and quite content — or you know, you could say he’s ‘cuffed and chuffed.’ I know his Strava data is incredibly impressive, and you’re growing lonely as November creeps closer, but please, don’t be a homewrecker!
Well, that’s just some of the people to avoid on Grounds as you begin — or you know, resume — your search for your beloved. Now go out there and get ‘em, tiger! I believe in you!!
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