As most of you already know, starting Oct. 26, most of the University was engaged in Halloweekend festivities. And, if you didn’t know that, reach out to me. I’m genuinely curious as to what went through some people’s heads when they saw the hordes of “sexy clown” costumes pass by them on the Corner more than three days before Halloween. That being said, here is a little recap of the major talking points from the past week.
In an act that reflects the general desperation of the University’s student population come the winter season, fourth-year Spencer Desperado DM’ed his ex asking her if she would like to do a couples costume with him. According to reports from our sources, Desperado proposed that he dress as House Rep. Kevin McCarthy and his ex as the Speaker’s seat, because “like McCarthy, he still believes he has a shot.” She responded by texting back the word “No” 14 times.
In another incident that made headlines, three local Charlottesville elementary schoolers, ages 5, 8 and 9, caused a stir by dressing up as Barbie, Spiderman and Carmy from “The Bear” — all outfits that went against SAG-AFTRA’s Halloween guidelines that prohibited dressing up as characters from struck content. Upon seeing the young children trick-or-treating on the lawn, members of the film CIO OFFScreen and the school radio WXTJ rushed towards them yelling “scab” and waving a printed list of union demands. Witnesses recall one of the WXTJ members asking for the children’s Instagram profiles in order to dox them online. They further added that the students only left when one of the eight-year-olds began calling them all “nerdy virgins.”
Parents were left scandalized when a horde of Commerce students descended upon the Lawn at around 6:15 p.m. The students, who were fulfilling an assignment for their course “Big Tobacco: Why you should work for them,” were dressed up as the Marlboro Man and were handing out packs of cigarettes and cigars to the children in attendance. When approached for comment, their representative — third-year Ken “Ciggy Stardust” Cooper — was quick to point out the prevalence of the habit in his homeland while taking a drag on his cigarette.
“Well, you know, back in Newcastle, I had my first smoke at the tender age of 12,” Cooper said. “It really helps build tolerance and keeps you warm. Especially on a day like today, when it's a brisk nine degrees Celsius outdoors. Really, I’m bloody gobsmacked, don't know how it got this cold.”
Our sources tell us that fortunately they did not lose out on too much business. Reports claim that after being kicked out of Trick-or-Treating on the Lawn, the students came across a bunch of Young Democratic Socialists of America near the Rotunda. The YDSA students had been staging a sit-in, in protest of Halloween's existence as a capitalist measure to subdue the masses and prevent them from reaching class consciousness. Though Big Tobacco represents the growing influence of capitalist America, the Commerce students were able to offload their cache of Cuban cigars onto the YDSA members. Castro would be proud.
University President Jim Ryan was also in attendance, and was dressed as Ted Lasso from the hit show “Ted Lasso.” Ryan set up shop in one of the Pavilions, handing out candy to passerby. Curiously, however, President Lasso was observed ranking the young children’s costumes. Costumes deemed “Good” were given a packet of almonds and those labeled “Great” were rewarded with Skittles.
As I write this, the fake mustache from my Freddie Mercury costume has come undone, so I guess that means Halloween is officially over, and I have nothing more to write about until Halloween 2024.
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