As a student, when I tell people that I live with my boyfriend, a look of confusion and bewilderment usually sweeps across their face.
“Your parents let you do that?”
“But you’re so young!”
“What happens if you break up?”
Last June, my boyfriend of nearly three years and I packed up our humble 2016 Toyota RAV-4 and set out on the freeway to begin a new chapter of our relationship. The next day, we moved into a cozy 800-square-foot apartment, officially kickstarting our cohabitation.
While it may seem unconventional and confusing, the origin story for this decision is actually very logical. After high school, my partner attended culinary school and I chose to attend community college — which are both two-year programs. When I chose to attend the University, he realized it also was a wonderful opportunity for his career advancement, as Charlottesville’s food scene is almost unmatched. And, since I didn’t know anyone at the University, I was more than happy to have my partner join me.
Now, with two semesters at the University, 12 months and many miscommunications now under our belts, I can safely say that living with my partner as a college student has taught me more about myself, compassion and love than I ever could have anticipated. So, here are 10 of the many lessons I have learned in the first year of living with my partner.
1. Delegate tasks.
In the beginning of our cohabitation, I had a preconceived notion that we would both simply do household tasks when we noticed they needed to be done. However, I quickly realized that this is a recipe for resentment — one that, despite his culinary experience, we were both seemingly unaware of. After several moments of mutual frustration, we were able to identify our common enemy — chores. So, we sat down to discuss chore delegation. For example, I am in charge of both sweeping and mopping our floors, and he has taken over cleaning the bathroom.
When both parties have a full understanding of what is expected of them and when, it saves many future misunderstandings from occurring. This is not to say either of us do our respective tasks perfectly 100 percent of the time, but rather that we can communicate what we will do and when, rather than either of us being left to question when the overflowing trash will be taken out.
2. Manage your expectations.
In a similar vein to the lesson above, we both quickly realized we needed to manage our expectations of the other. With him being a professional chef and me still being a full-time student, both our lives and working hours could not be more different.
Consistently, we found ourselves frustrated with the other for not going about our day-to-days in a similar fashion. For one, our schedules lent us to becoming two ships passing in the night, leading to many miscommunications on timing. It wasn’t until we evaluated the source of this resentment that we realized how unfair it was to expect someone with a completely different life to live theirs at the same pace that you do. Once we discussed the true ins and outs of our days, our expectations of each other shifted to something more realistic, ultimately resulting in fewer moments of frustration.
3. Build and nurture friendships outside of each other.
As wonderful as it is to have friends together as a couple, it is also extremely important that both you and your partner maintain friendships outside of your relationship. When you enter into a long-term relationship — especially when you choose to live with one another — it becomes extremely easy to think of yourselves as a unit rather than two individuals.
However, by nurturing relationships outside of your romantic one, each person is given the space to learn and grow independently, returning to the relationship with new perspectives and colloquialisms. All too often, once people enter relationships, they tend to disregard their platonic friendships. But by cultivating these separate, platonic relationships, you and your partner can remain independent people. By intentionally taking time to nurture these friendships, you will be less likely to lose both your sense of individuality and your cherished relationships.
4. Spend intentional time together at home.
When every task became a task done together, we had to realize that time spent together does not automatically equal quality time. When being around each other becomes your norm, it can be easy to simply go through the motions of your days without real moments of connection.
By carving out quality time at home together — whether that’s having a series you watch together, cooking a meal together or simply putting your phones down and chatting at the end of the day — you avoid reducing your relationship to one of just roommates.
For us, intentional time together takes on many different forms. At home, we enjoy watching documentaries, making and drinking coffee and reading our respective books together. Intentional time together can truly be made and found anywhere.
5. Compromise is key.
While this may seem cliché on the surface, this sentiment is something that rings — and will continue to ring — wildly true in any relationship. With my partner and I both being what I affectionately refer to as “strong-willed,” the idea of compromise took both of us some time to grapple with. For instance, as a chef, he is drawn to bold and adventurous flavors, while my palette is far less refined. Instead of standing at an impasse during dinnertime every night, we've learned to compromise by building meals around cuisines he loves — such as Middle Eastern and Mediterranean — while using simple ingredients that I have no aversion to. We’ve carried this approach into the rest of our relationship — not getting stuck up on our individual circles of the Venn Diagram, but that wonderful little intersection where the sections converge.
6. Take the time to say “hello” and “goodbye.”
Rather than just yelling “See you later!” or “Oh, hey,” from another room, take the time to meaningfully greet your partner with each send off. While seemingly insignificant, these small rituals communicate things like “I am happy to see you,” and “I will miss you when I’m gone.” By giving your partner this time and attention, you remind them how much they matter to you. Even amidst the bustle of a busy day, knowing that your partner is thinking of you while you’re apart and looking forward to welcoming you home can help the two of you feel connected, even when you aren’t physically together.
7. Learn how to disagree.
Every couple has different attachment styles and love languages, and therefore, every couple disagrees in different ways. Especially when you live together, disagreements can become either more frequent or more difficult to resolve simply due to proximity. By learning what to do when you and your partner disagree on a topic — either by talking it out right then and there, or giving each other space — disagreeing in a way that feels respectful to both parties is key to avoiding bigger arguments. Disagreeing respectfully can look like a multitude of things — keeping your tone polite, avoiding bringing up past arguments or being sure to keep any language that may be seen as combative out of the conversation.
One of the most helpful mindsets is to remember that it's you and your partner versus the problem, not you versus your partner. Framing disagreements this way makes it easier to approach conflict as a team and prevents a nasty, tacit resentment from building over time.
8. Don’t underestimate the value of personal time.
As exciting as the prospect of being able to spend every waking second of every day with your partner is, the importance of meaningful time for yourself cannot be overstated. Whether it be an hour-long workout class, running a solo errand or taking the time to nourish your hobbies, personal time can be made and found anywhere. When you and your partner are able to re-charge in your own respective ways, it makes the time you spend together that much more meaningful.
For me, I quickly became overwhelmed in a sea of new friendships, apartment maintenance, academics and continuing to show up for my partner. With more on my plate than ever, I found my motivation at an all-time-low. When I found myself frustrated with my lack of drive, I realized that I had not taken a moment for myself in what seemed like weeks. Once I finally was able to re-charge, my motivation and drive came back, and I was able to show up in all the places I wanted to.
9. Get out of the house often.
Whether you and your partner are social butterflies or homebodies, it is important to get out of the house often together — and not just for run-of-the-mill errands. After being in a committed relationship for some time, I found myself greatly preferring the comfort of my couch and my boyfriend to that of random strangers in a loud and crowded room. While there's nothing wrong with enjoying quiet evenings at home, it's easy to let this routine replace the excitement of dating.
But here you must tread lightly. Staying in with your significant other all the time effectively makes you stop the practice of dating in your relationship. By going on a walk, trying a new restaurant or having a night out on the town, your relationship will feel more intentional and alive. Living together shouldn't mark the end of dating one another. If anything, it's when dating each other becomes even more important.
10. Keep things new and exciting.
After being in a relationship and living with one another for a long time, it’s completely normal if things begin to feel stale. This monotony can manifest itself in going to the same restaurant, having the same conversation or doing the same activity over and over. To combat this, be sure to consistently try new things or do exciting activities. This can be as small as getting each other flowers unannounced, or as big as going on a staycation a few times a year. By intentionally trying to keep things fresh, things are much less likely to become dull between the two of you.
After one year of living with my partner, I can safely say that our living room is the best classroom I have ever sat in. These 10 lessons — and trust me, there are countless others — are teaching moments I will carry with me throughout not just my romantic relationship, but in every single one I create and maintain for the rest of my life.
Read More
CASH provides tax season assistance for the Charlottesville community
By Lily Notter | 1 hours agoWith the program’s primary goal being to benefit students and the Charlottesville community, they work to maximize refunds clients receive and minimize what they owe in annual taxes.
The graduate admissions exam grind
By Charley Thomas | 2 days agoJust when University students think they have left the prep-work perils and score obsessions of standardized testing back in high school, entrance exams for graduate program applications ring in round two.
No longer the new kids on the block
By Phoenix Banks | 3 days agoAs second year begins, different pressures and stresses — from academic comebacks to harder classes — plague the Class of 2029.
