​Your life isn’t bumming me out

April Fools! It is! It really is!

Hey, I couldn’t happen but overhear you talking to your friend and I just wanted to tell you the answer is no. No, you shouldn’t be pursuing a relationship with that boy. I know because you are talking about pursuing a relationship with that boy. If your feelings for someone are so mild and rational that discussing whether to date that someone is even a concept that crossed your mind then you don’t need to date. Call me a hopeless romantic, but if you don’t want to stick your tongue in someone’s ear within 15 minutes of meeting him then you don’t need to date. If your urge to do obscene things with a specific person in one of those old-timey English phone booths isn’t borderline destroying your life then you don’t need to date. Honestly, did Gloria Steinem invent hook-up culture for nothing? Get back to studying if you’re going to be a bloodless nerd.

I’m sorry. I’m being harsh because you remind me of my niece if it were 20 years in the future and I was the aunt who drinks green juice with vodka who wants you to have a good time while you’re still young. Which makes you the niece with really clean nails and good grades who thinks a lot about near-future goals and tasks. Kid, I’m going to take you on a road trip to San Diego, fraught with self-discovery and unbridled feeling. You can drink out of a cactus shaped glass and bang a dude named “J.” Don’t worry, we’ll be back in time for your internship with a non-profit.

Hey, HEY. Don’t think I can’t hear you, “Dude Who’s Been Complaining About His Girlfriend For 12 Minutes,” just because I was focused on “Girl Who Is Weighing the Attributes of a Boy to See How Well He’d Fit Into Her Carved-Out-Hole-of-A-Life.” Why are you hanging out with someone you aren’t stoked about? Yeah, guy, your girl is pretty but would my mom describe her as “striking?” Yeah, your girl is nice but does she have true intention or does she have the skill set necessary to be perceived as nice? What is she doing messing around with you anyway if she’s always mad at you? Are you a distant and boring boyfriend? Are y’all distracting each other from your lacking personalities? Take up a hobby. Go buy a sketchbook. Try to bring back the velvet sweatpants trend. Goddamn it.

You know who really knew how to date? My mom. My mom dated something like eight dudes throughout her college career because she looked like me but prettier and way more nonthreatening and more importantly because she was hanging out with all these cool likable physicists who were worth hanging out with. Did you know she has a degree in physics? She was also a cool likable physicist. You should be building a time machine to go back and court my mom instead of complaining about your girlfriend. Good luck, loser! She’s read every story ever written by Philip K. Dick and she knows how to bake pie. You will NEVER be my dad.

Sometime during my childhood she forbade me from watching “Friends” under the pretense that it was inappropriate. However, I was allowed to watch “Seinfeld” and people were always having sex on that show. In retrospect, I think my mom thought “Friends” was a stupid show and didn’t want to watch it with her kid. In retrospect, good call, mom! Those shrill-voiced white people were the worst! That show is probably to blame for all these pretty faces discussing relationships instead of getting high in my friend’s car.

Pretty faces, you need to change for yourselves. April Fools! You need to change for me. You make me want to submerge myself in the Pacific Ocean, burrowing deep into the soft silt floor until all I can hear is the vibrations of faraway whale songs reverberating deep in my skeleton, finally at peace. April Fools! I will never know peace.

Charlotte Raskovich is a Humor writer.

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