My fellow Americans, the time is nearly upon us. Every four years, our nation comes together to elect our next president. For some, the day is a celebration of liberty, a bastion of that funny little thing called democracy. For others, it is a time to reflect and think, “Wait, we still have class on Election Day? We totally got the day off for that in elementary school. Man, I miss elementary school.” Me too, my friends, me too. But here we are.
Now, I know what you’re thinking — not another article on politics. But fear not! I do not aim to influence your vote. These Election Day tips are for you whether you plan to vote for Hillary Clinton, an angry oompa loompa on steroids or a third-party candidate.
1. Make sure to bring your ID
When you head out to your polling place on Election Day, be sure to take some form of identification with you. They will need to see it before you can vote. Also, be prepared for the volunteers in charge of checking your ID to be very opinionated. For instance, last year when I went to vote in the local elections, the volunteer at the front table looked me up and down when I got there and said, “You do not look old enough to be here.” That one really had me feeling good about my efforts to exercise my civic duty! I assured her I was over the age of 18 and handed her my driver’s licence as proof. She looked at it for a second and said, “This isn’t a very good picture of you.” Needless to say, I left feeling joyous about my opportunity to participate in the democratic system. Only in America can you make your voice heard in an election while also helping a random woman in a “The Price Is Right” t-shirt exercise her right to free speech by telling you that you look bad in a picture! “The Price Is Right” is not even that good of a show since Bob Barker left and people who watch it probably know nothing about good photos and I look very nice on my driver’s license.
2. Don’t write in a joke candidate
Of course, you have the right to vote outside of the two-party system. If you do this, make sure to write in a serious third-party candidate. Don’t throw away your vote with a joke. We all have those friends who say they’re going to show up to the polls and write in some celebrity like Mike Tyson or Kim Kardashian for president. That’s just not right. The presidency is a serious position. To vote for a celebrity like the ones I mentioned would be making a mockery of this important election. Kardashian is just a reality TV star. Tyson was once convicted of sexual assault. Can you imagine if people actually decided to vote for somebody who built a large part of their career on a reality show, had no political experience and promoted violence towards women? Why, that would just be madness! I can’t imagine anything worse than that, unless, of course, that person was also a huge racist!
3. Election Day is not on Nov. 28
This one really only applies if Donald Trump reads this article. Hey, Donny J! How come nobody ever calls you Donny J? That’s a missed opportunity, I think. Anyway, you told the entire state of Florida that the election is on Nov. 28. Bad news bears, it’s actually Nov. 8. Make America Great Again — more like Make America Late Again, am I right? Twenty days late, to be exact!
4. Be sure to grab one of those “I Voted!” stickers on your way out
This is undeniably the greatest part of voting. Last year, “The Price Is Right” lady tried to put one over on me by sending me on my way without a sticker, so I showed her by grabbing an entire roll of stickers and sprinting out of the polling place. On a related note, if you forget to follow this tip and find yourself in need of an extra sticker on Election Day 2016, let me know. I can hook you up.
Nora Walls is a Humor writer.
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