I’m not a loser. I’m a guy who occasionally loses. And that’s okay! It took me a couple years at an achievement-driven college to learn that difference, and I’d like to share my thoughts about losing with you.
I’m grateful to be able to write to so many of my peers. I had to fight for this opportunity. I applied for this gig, a Cavalier Daily life columnist, as an adorable first-semester first-year, and wrote an adorable application column about getting lost in Newcomb, and then got this adorable email saying that all the open columnist positions were now filled without me, probably by students who could navigate Newcomb. This convinced me — I was a mediocre writer, incapable of compellingly sharing my thoughts. I remember feeling nervous to turn in my first college essay after reading my first rejection letter.
Since then I’ve collected rejections and acceptances from various organizations and people (girls), and the main thing I’ve learned is that I need to rely on an internal source of confidence instead of external sources of confidence.
Before I explain that, I need to talk about how I own my shortcomings, sure, but also how important I feel it is to own up to my strengths. I don’t appreciate or admire the habit I see in people discounting their good qualities in an attempt to be humble.
Have you ever complimented someone and they respond like ‘Oh, stop. I just got lucky getting into McIntire! I don’t know why they even chose me. Haha.’ or ‘Oh, please, that’s too kind, I was born skinny!’ when they’re a vegan marathoner? I’m not about that. Own what you got! For example, I know I’m a talented writer. Nowhere near perfect or the best I can be, but still pretty slick. When somebody tells me they read my column, I try to say something in the spirit of ‘Thanks! It means a lot that you read them. I work pretty hard on it!’
Embrace your inner Walt Whitman. Damn right “I celebrate myself.”
Acknowledging my strengths and celebrating myself lets me grow an internal source of validation instead of hungering for external praise and glory to sustain my confidence. For instance, The Cavalier Daily’s Life section is having a renaissance of hilarious writers that are probably breaking my columns’ readership records. That’s great! My confidence in my writing doesn’t originate in comparisons to other writers or counting up Facebook shares and likes. More great voices emerging in The Cavalier Daily doesn’t detract from my passion for writing or my knack for it. Getting denied from The Cavalier Daily back in 2015 didn’t indicate that I was a bad writer either. My validation doesn’t rely on that, you know?
So I would tell first-year John not to internalize his Cavalier Daily rejection letter, or his not getting a spot as an RA, or his B- in Applied Calculus 2. And for Pete’s sake, stop bringing up that you were homecoming king in high school! Instead, fill that space with happier, quieter things. Like when you stayed up all night writing a motivational letter to the high school juniors about to take the AP English Language exam because there’s nothing you’d rather do than write funny, heartwarming stories. Or being the first in your family to play a varsity sport, or the treasure trove of little memories and personal victories you’ll collect in these coming years.
I have to constantly remind myself to think this way instead of getting caught up in my achievement count compared to others’. During my highs and lows, this mindset always makes me happier. Let me know if it works for you too!
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