After the historic 20 point loss by the No. 1 overall seed Virginia to the No. 16 seed satellite campus of the University of Maryland, most U.Va. fans are scrambling for answers. Some have argued that De’Andre Hunter was the team’s playmaker, that the team should never have flown Southwest or that the starting five tried shrooms in the locker room. However, these claims are baseless and should be disregarded by any rational basketball enthusiast. No, the truth is simple: a genie purposefully misinterpreted a wish by Tony Bennett to make basketball history.
Purchased for $35 at local Charlottesville antique shop Circa, the lamp seemed a traditional Arabian oil lamp with an original body and a restored handle — the kind of lamp that would be a proud centerpiece to any NCAA Division I basketball coach’s coffee table. When Tony Bennett first acquired the lamp, it was as a gift for his wife on their 10th wedding anniversary. However, once he accidentally rubbed it three times while wrapping it in Aladdin themed paper, a cloud of smoke began to trail out of the nozzle, and he heard music filled with the sounds of the Far East. After a thunderclap rang out and the room shook, a blue man with angel’s wings and the chiseled jawline of a young Bill de Blasio stood before Tony.
His voice had a timeless quality to it. “Behold, I am known as Anqui the Cranky. I am spawn of Kaasin the Silent, the feared demon of ancient Babylon. Who dares awaken me from my slumber?” Not to be outdone, Tony replied, “I am Tony Bennett the Not the Famous Singer. I am spawn of Dick Bennett the Mighty, the feared coach of the Badgers.” After introductions were made, Anqui explained the terms of his bondage. Any three wishes Tony might have he would have granted. No do overs. No substitutions. Basically, late night drive thru rules.
Tony knew his first wish immediately, “I wish to have hair that would make even Brad Pitt froth with envy.” Any casual observer can see that his first wish went off without a hitch. Spurred on by the success of his first, Tony placed his second request, “I wish for everyone’s Facebook feeds to be filled with U.Va. sorority girls sharing articles about my no-nonsense coaching style.” Mission accomplished. Finally, after much thought, Tony placed his final wish. The genie clapped three times. Then, just as quickly as he arrived, he vanished, leaving only a small comment card for Tony to fill out at his earliest convenience.
As his Hoos played throughout the season, Tony knew the genie had done just as he promised. His Cavaliers played with a fervor unparalleled. Their footwork divine. Their reflexes inhuman. Their hairstyles impeccable. Enemies fell before them as if they were nothing. The championship game seemed almost as good as theirs.
Their fall was as great as their rise. They were defeated by a team whose mascot is basically a low-rent Air Bud. The night of the loss, Tony returned home broken and defeated. He found the lamp, still resting on his coffee table. Angrily, he rubbed it three times, and same as before, Anqui appeared. Tony was furious; his wish had not been granted. “How could this have happened? I asked you to let UVA basketball make history in the tournament.” Anqui smirked and replied, “This is the first time a No. 16 seed has ever defeated a No. 1 seed. Now that’s what I call making history.”
William Tonks is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.
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