Horoscopes from a depressing astrologer

Humor Columnist Benjamin White cynically presents your horoscope for the week.

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A cynical view of your future through the stars

Sarah Lindamood | Cavalier Daily

Aries: March 21 to April 19

The good news is that Neptune’s creative energies are being directed towards you this week. The bad news is that they’re being focused towards new and exciting ways of embarrassing you in public.

Taurus: April 21 to May 20

You can handle whatever life throws at you. Unfortunately, a firing squad-esque line of pitching machines aren’t technically alive.

Gemini: May 21 to June 20

Nobody cares about Gemini.  

Cancer: June 21 to July 22

Normally, the stars tell me how they’re going to trick idiots into attempting to heal themselves with Fluorite or mobilize anti-vaxxers to ensure curable diseases make a comeback, so it’s good to get something pleasant from my divinations every once and awhile. It takes the edge off, you know? Anyways, I should probably also tell you that Mars is going to trash your apartment in two days. 

Leo: July 23 to August 22

The stars have decided that you’re going to get hit by a bus tomorrow. I know it sucks, but there’s not much you can do about it at this point. You know, fate’s a cruel mistress, yadda yadda yadda. I suggest you find some way to just get it over with as fast as possible. 

Virgo: August 23 to September 22

The stars didn’t really say much about you this week. Since I don’t really have any information about your future, I’ll just tell you about somebody else’s. From what I’ve gotten out of my other divinations, Betelgeuse has contrived fate such that every Leo is going to be hit by a bus tomorrow. I get that you probably aren’t going to care about this since you aren’t a Leo, but that event is probably going to take a lot of buses to happen. Maybe you should invest in a bus manufacturer like Fiat. It’s like shorting a stock: make somebody’s bad fortune your good fortune.

Libra: September 23 to October 22

You pissed off Jupiter. Don’t ask me how, but you pissed off Jupiter. Look, I know you’re probably not taking me seriously. Most people only use horoscopes to read cheap nothings that provide positive reinforcement, but this is a matter of life and death. If you think Mercury in retrograde is bad, you haven’t seen anything like the wrath of Jupiter. Jupiter is a 69-mooned gas giant of pure hydrogen, helium and hatred. It’s going to bring the hammer down on you if you don’t move on this immediately. Now, listen to me closely: take all your money out of the bank, hire a lawyer and get out of the country. Don’t try and fight this through the legal system: Jupiter practically owns the cops at this point. Hide until this blows over, use your lawyer to drag out proceedings and don’t make eye contact with the sky until the next cycle. 

Scorpio: October 23 to November 21

Nobody cares about Scorpio either. 

Sagittarius: November 22 to December 21

I’ve got some news about your ‘relationship issues’. As it turns out, your girlfriend didn’t break up with you because you threw her cat out the window in a fit of passion — the movement of the stars and planets did it. Fight back. Punch Orion right below the belt. Teach ‘em a lesson.

Capricorn: December 22 to January 19

You will find that listening to the song “Alone Again — Naturally” for 12 hours straight is a less than ideal way of coping with the loss of your pet. Venus recommends you try some Leonard Cohen instead. Personally, I’d go with some smooth jazz, but I’m just the messenger here. 

Aquarius: January 20 to February 18

You know what — you’re feeling pretty good right now. Just sit back and enjoy this for a bit. The stars aren’t trying to kill you, and they don’t seem to want to put you in awkward situations for their amusement, so that’s a plus. As long as you don’t draw the ire of any gas giants or set off Ursa Major, you can ride this out until your next horoscope. Be warned though: after that, all bets are off. 

Pisces: February 19 to March 20

I have nothing to say here, but I’m a Pisces, so I’ll tell you a funny story that happened this star cycle. While I was learning how to be an astrologer, I made a pretty grave mistake. You’re probably aware that in this line of work, you’re supposed glean knowledge of the future by staring at the stars. You’d think staring into the sun would be the most efficient one, you know, due to its proximity. I found out that’s just going to melt your corneas. So, uh … anybody know a good place to get cheap Lasik? 

Benjamin White is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com

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