When I wake up every morning, there are a couple of things I take for granted. First of all, I assume that we are carbon-based life forms that obey the laws of physics. After that, I just accept the fact that during the course of the day, I will most likely not be in the middle of a heated debate over which one of three guys shoved more hamburgers in his mouth. Finally, I take for granted that as my day proceeds, at no point will I have burger and fried egg projectile-vomited on me with the accuracy of an F.B.I. sniper.
Am I wrong for making these assumptions?
After this past Tuesday, I realized that at least two of these laws no longer hold true.
Last week I emceed the annual University Union-sponsored Gus Burger Eatoff. For those of you who don't know what this is, cherish your innocence and don't read further. The Gus Burger Eatoff entails about 20 contestants smashing Gus Burgers down their throats with the ferocity of rabid tigers on speed while onlookers ecstatically cheer for the eminent cardiac arrests of several of these contestants.
For those of you who don't know what a Gus Burger is, get on your knees now and pay homage to such a merciful God. A Gus Burger is a fully loaded hamburger that is topped with a fried egg. Allow me to now give you a brief history of the Gus Burger, or a "gustory," as they call it in some circles. (The members of those circles are very dorky and enjoy lame puns.)
Many believe that the Gus Burger was invented by the U.S. military during Vietnam in an attempt to get the North Vietnamese hooked on the greasy goodness resulting in their extreme obesity and hence failure in battle.
But that theory of the Gus Burger simply is not true. The Gus Burger actually began when an employee at the White Spot (possibly Elvis) decided the normal hamburger just didn't clog enough arteries. He began trying different toppings on the burgers, first experimenting with simple things such as caramel, Skittles and baked yams. He soon moved on to more groundbreaking toppings, such as baked spaghetti, pecan pie and eventually a 1957 Chevy. Then came the fateful day when he accidentally knocked a fried egg onto a burger, and the Gus Burger was born. The White Spot soon came up with a slogan for the new invention - "There's a little bit of Gus in every burger! Not literally."
It is true that I have never seen or heard anything to confirm or even suggest such a history. However, I have also never heard anything to refute it. So you make the call.
Someone later came up with the bright idea of seeing which University student could devour the most burgers in six minutes. Many people wonder why anyone would compete in such a life-threatening event. Here are the top five reasons given for competing in the Gus Burger Eatoff:
5) I have a family of tapeworms in my stomach that are craving Gus Burgers.
4) Because it's a lot better than the less popular Road Kill Eatoff.
3) Wait a second, I thought this was the wet T-shirt contest.
2) I just lost 40 pounds with Slim Fast, and I want to see if I can gain it all back in one sitting.
1) I thought a Gus Burger was a type of mixed drink.
The eatoff last week started out as planned - all the contestants crammed entire burgers down their throats like Rush Limbaugh on his lunch hour.
In the midst of the eatoff, I saw something coming towards me at a tremendous speed. I soon realized that it was an entire squadron of Gus Burger chunks. Despite my cat-like reflexes, I was unable to dodge the beef, tomato and egg projectiles. After the impact knocked me to the ground, one of my fellow cadets dragged me out of the line of fire. Ever since that day, I have had an extreme phobia of hamburgers, anybody named Gus and reruns of "What's Happening?"
Other than that, the contest continued to go as planned except for the fact that all hell broke loose. Nobody would agree with the judges' decision concerning a winner. Finally, we decided to have a three-way tie breaker. When the final buzzer sounded, all three remaining men had again finished the same amount. The dispute over a champion raged on. The sight was incredible - three nauseous men with mustard and mayonnaise smeared across their faces trying to be taken seriously as they argued. "The man" then handed down the decision that all three men had won. This meant they could each walk away with their hands held high, smiles on their faces and their digestive systems preparing to explode.
I hope one day to fully recover from the nightmares I saw that day. Yet when I open for the Whethermen this Friday, I am considering giving the audience members Gus Burgers to throw at me so I'll feel more at home.
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