From the onset, college is nothing like high school. Things you took for granted in high school, like having clean laundry every day or a well-stocked refrigerator and mom's home-cooked meals become mere shades of reminiscence upon arrival at your first-year residence hall. But only in the first few weeks after being safely installed in Charlottesville will the reality of college truly sink in.
Let's talk about laundry first. Fact: most college students are entirely too lazy to wash their own clothes. This is because they are all busy doing more important things.
For girls, the priority becomes stalking all the sweet-singing guys in a capella groups. For guys, this means having contests to see who can crush the most beer cans on their heads, while simultaneously making fun of a capella groups.
There are several ways to solve the problem of never having enough clean underwear. The first solution is to never do your laundry. Never. The other is to own enough clothes to open up your own Banana Republic, which means you can wash your clothes at home between semesters.
Since you won't be doing laundry, it makes sense not to bring an iron with you to college. But don't be so quick to forsake the appliance; although it is highly unlikely that you will ever iron your clothes, it is very possible that you'll use the iron to heat up frozen food products. Just remember to remove all plastic food packaging before using your iron as a cooking device.
Another thing you will have to worry about at college is food. Your mother will no longer be around to cook her wonderful fried chicken. Her replacements will be highly trained cafeteria workers who can disguise week-old leftovers as "mystery meat surprise casserole (Warning: May contain meat)". The only good thing about getting a meal plan is that you won't have to do dishes anymore.
The meal plan food is specially formulated for the physically active college student. Therefore, most of the entrees contain enough calories to nourish several large orca whales, leading to the dreaded "freshman 15." Contrary to popular belief, the "15" stands for the average number of bypass surgeries needed, not the amount of weight gained during first year. During my first two semesters, I managed to survive on a combination of dining hall food, delivered pizza and Chinese food.
Some health-conscious students actually try to avoid hospital visits completely. They run at least 10 miles a day and eat only celery and small servings of tofu. However, this plan usually backfires, because no human (except supermodels) can survive on this diet for more than a week. After that, the mystery meat casserole starts to look really appetizing.
You also will be healthier if you sleep for more than two hours a night. You may have to devise tricks so you can wake up early enough for class every day. If your class meets before 10 a.m., forget it; you're doomed. The only way you can make it to class on time is to sleep in the classroom the night before. When the professor walks in, just pop in a piece of gum to kill the bad breath and pretend you're having a bad hair day. Sticking to this advice should keep you from turning into an orca whale. (Yes, these creatures actually exist at college.) Just remember these important tips: Start buying clothes in bulk right now, so you can survive for four whole months without doing laundry.
Also, if you want all those clothes to fit at the end of the semester, avoid eating anything in the cafeteria that looks like something your dog would run away from.
And don't take any morning classes, but if you do, be prepared to face the professor every day with glazed eyes and lethally bad breath.
Finally, remember that irons are about the same size as slices of pizza. At college, if you're clever, you can turn any useless thing into a cooking appliance.
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