ONCE AGAIN, we bring you Ask Mr. Dating Expert, a relationship advice column in which we provide answers to real, unsolicited questions from the Virginia community. It also gives us a chance to write in the second person. Given our readership and advertising base, we focus on questions from students who will attend Mr. Jefferson's Academical Village and Dating Service in the fall.
Our first letter comes from Robin Kradle, who writes, "I am an impressionable, attractive, and naive 18-year old female who will be attending the University in the fall."
We didn't actually read the rest of this person's letter. It seems fairly certain that she needs general advice on how to handle the horde of upperclassmen that quickly will show an interest in her.
We trust that she can fend off the pathetic pick-up lines of her fellow first years. First-year males, after all, have come from the same high-school dating world as she and are used to attracting women by showing off their rebuilt muscle cars, letter jackets and Old Milwaukee. Upperclassmen at Virginia, in contrast, have developed a much more refined approach to attracting women. This involves employing BMWs, seersucker suits and Jack Daniels. Such 20-year old suitors oftentimes, inexplicably, succeed in attracting younger women.
To ensure that a charming, older Wahoo actually has interest in you as a person rather than as a trophy, we suggest you tell all older males that: (1) you actually are 17 (do not say when you will turn 18); (2) your father is a District Attorney; (3) your father, brother, grandfather, two cousins and your dog (named "Butch") all are members of the National Rifle Association. This approach will guarantee that only those truly interested in you will continue to offer you free alcohol.
Macon Pression writes, "My girlfriend and I have gone out for two years in high school and now are attending different colleges this fall. Should I send her a jumbo teddy bear to symbolize the strength of our relationship?"
No. If you actually want your relationship to last, do not send anything expensive that will remind your girlfriend of you. The large teddy bear (retail cost: $80) is a good example. If she actually gets mad at you (which she will), she will likely destroy the bear in a fit of rage and send its dismembered limbs to you over the course of two months.
If she attaches her affection for you to the bear too much, you will find yourself competing with a midget-sized inanimate object - typically not a great situation. These problems are heightened if you buy her a Teddy Ruxpin.
Cheaper pictures, drawings or flowers that can easily be destroyed (and replaced) should be employed instead.
M. Power asks, "Will I be able to find 'Mr. Right' at U.Va.?"
We cannot answer that with absolute certainty. We do know that you will be able to find a lot of Mr. Pretty Goods, a number of Mr. Good-For-a-Free-Meals, and one Mr. Stay-Away-From-My-Face. The positive part of being a single female in Charlottesville is that you, ultimately, have most of the power in any possible relationship. If you see someone who might be worth meeting, you can quickly take control by doing one thing: Ask him on a date.
Most guys do not know what do to when that happens and, at least instinctively, will say "yes." If that guy does not work out, try another one. If you never find the perfect man in your four years at the University, you at least will have eaten at every restaurant in town (probably for free), tried every kind of Archer (a local store's version of a Blizzard), and met some interesting people.
Our final, unsigned letter asks, "I am entering my first year at U.Va. My girlfriend is starting school at Virginia Tech. Is this a problem?"
You are experiencing the classic intra-rival relationship. If you and your girlfriend are actually deeply in love, going to schools that hate each other will not matter. If, on the other hand, you are easily influenced by your peers, problems could develop. Your fellow Virginia students, upon learning that you are dating a Hokie, will initially be polite and seemingly accepting. After a while, your friends will become inundated with the inaccurate, school-wide message that all Virginia Tech students are stupid country-folk. Consequently, they will treat you with sympathy and pity, as though you have chosen to date a three-legged golden retriever. Simultaneously, your girlfriend's comrades, perhaps correctly, will tell her that she is dating an arrogant, superficial jerk.
If you can remember that your girlfriend actually is beautiful and wonderful and if she can do likewise, your relationship should last. If not, consider buying a seersucker suit.
(Seth Wood is a Cavalier Daily columnist. He generally knows what not to do on a date. E-mail questions to swood@cavalierdaily.com.)
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