The Cavalier Daily
Serving the University Community Since 1890

Under the Covers

I think there should have been a clause in the University's honor code to cover broken hearts. After all, the honor system is supposed to protect and prevent us from lying, cheating and stealing, isn't it?

It protects our belongings, our hard work and our ethics. Yet in all the pages of qualifications, there is nothing in there to protect us from those with cheating hearts. As if cheating on a person is any less dishonorable than cheating on a test.

It's not that I don't understand how straying happens. We're young, we don't want to feel too tied down and we want to experience everything -- and sometimes, everyone -- out there.

And whether you're the cheater or the cheatee -- whether you're feeling guilty or betrayed -- someone always gets hurt.

Maybe that's why so many of us choose to remain single or in loosely committed relationships. And if that's the case, your conscience can rest easy. But for those of us who remain in highly committed relationships and periodically try to steal from another cookie jar, we ought to be ashamed.

Genevieve, a fourth year, thinks cheating is pretty common on college campuses. "The more I find out, the more I think everyone cheats in college," she said.

Unfortunately, if you've ever been cheated on, this statement can feel all too true. Plus, certain factors in a college relationship can make monogamy difficult. While a significant other is at another school or in another state, we're surrounded by thousands of people our age -- right here, right now.

Add alcohol to the equation and, even if your girlfriend or boyfriend lives up the street, cheating gets that much easier. The drink will be your worst enemy when you're trying not to stray, but you'll feel like it's you're best friend if you do.

Too bad "Baby, I was so drunk I don't even remember it happening" is about the lamest excuse out there.

Sometimes half the battle is just coming up with a definition of cheating.

Giana, a fourth year, initially said any sort of physical interaction would qualify as cheating. But as she thought more about it, she got more specific, narrowing the scope of the crime down to "any sort of sexual groping."

I've got to admit, I think this is a pretty good guideline. It leaves out a hug that lasts a little too long, but it encompasses most serious offenses.

Others think that cheating goes beyond just your actions.

"I think any kind of physical contact qualifies, as well as thinking about [cheating] to the point where you can say you would do it," Alex, a fourth year, said.

Now this is an interesting qualifier, because just because you haven't had the opportunity doesn't mean you're not a cheater at heart. Then again, trying to monitor your partner's thoughts is dangerous territory. You'll either come off sounding stupid or jealous. What are you going to say -- "Don't lie to me. I saw you thinking about it"?

As much difficulty as we have figuring out what counts as cheating, it's even harder to figure out why we do it.

Very few people set out wanting to hurt another person. But sometimes it happens, and sometimes it happens more than once and we still don't tell the person we're with.

Alex says there are several reasons why we cheat.

"Either you can't control yourself when you are in a situation with someone else, you are intensely bored with the other person, you have ulterior motives like wanting to get back at the person, or it's issues with your own self-esteem," he said.

OK, sounds like he's got that one figured out. But cheating also can be a matter of one person losing interest in the relationship and being too cowardly or selfish to admit it.

Rebecca, a third year, said if she is cheating on someone, it means there is something wrong with how she feels about that person.

"My motive for cheating is always that I don't care about the person as much anymore and I don't realize it yet. Because when I do really care about someone, I won't even look in another person's direction," she said.

These feelings are understandable, but there's just no good way to spin it. If you're in a relationship and one person's cheating, someone is going to get burned.

So is there a way to forgive and forget?

Alex said when his girlfriend cheated on him, it was next to impossible to get over it because he was completely in love with her.

"You are just in such a state of shock that you want to forget about it, but you can't. It was just all downhill after that," he said.

Genevieve said she has forgiven a cheating partner in the past, but she probably wouldn't do it again.

"I did it then because I was so young, but the older you get the more serious things become and it's not as easy to forgive someone," she said.

Genevieve said even though she was able to get back together with the guy, she still feels a bit jaded from the experience.

And I think that's the worst thing about cheating -- you're not only hurting the person right now. You're changing their perspective on love, leaving them to carry the emotional baggage into the future.

Alex said after being cheated on he became possessive. "There is a control mechanism that just goes nuts when you are cheated on," he said.

He also had difficulty trusting and even began to develop prejudices against the female gender. "It's made me doubt the capacity of the other gender to maintain a strong relationship," he said.

Even with all the hurt you may experience, odds are that not all is lost. Genevieve explained that she tries to be fair and give each new person she dates a clean slate.

"I try not to carry on things from past relationships," she said.

Alex said that, like Genevieve, he feels somewhat jaded when it comes to the process that leads to dating, but that finding the right person will help him to recover from those feelings.

"That's what being in love is," he said. "Finding someone who can break those things down in you."

Comments

Latest Podcast

The University’s Associate Vice Provost for Enrollment and Undergraduate Admission, Greg Roberts, provides listeners with an insight into how the University conducts admissions and the legal subtleties regarding the possible end to the consideration of legacy status.



https://open.spotify.com/episode/02ZWcF1RlqBj7CXLfA49xt