Before we begin this week, we must first pay homage to perhaps the best commercial of the summer, and easily one of the greatest of all time:
This chick's rockin' your bro on the dance floorBut she's towing an anchorA junior investment bankerWho's talking about herself and not much moreOh oh ohhhhSo buy her a beerIt's the reason you're hereMighty WingmanYou're taking one for the teamSo your buddy can live the dreamWINNNNNGGMMAAANNNNNNNNNNNN
Here's to the Wingman Coors Light.
And now for this week's ramblings, to the tune of The Princess Bride:
4Bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of Putrescence. Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo! Boo!.... John Stamos.10-10-987. Honestly man.We won't even start with you not choosing 10-10-220.They have Alf for goodness sake!Besides that, there you were, John Stamos, on the top of your game.You were the Master of your Domain, King of the Castle, Lord of the Manor.You pulled a Costanza and went out on a high note as Uncle Jessie from Full House.You know the Olsen twins; you married Rebecca Romijn for crying out loud.Now you've got some horrible haircut and are standing on the roof of a house telling us how you need to save 30 cents to call your mom.Why do you feel the need to try to make some sort of half-hearted comeback?Just think, what would Uncle Jessie do?
4Inconceivable!....The Slurpee, easily one of the greatest inventions of all time.However, the experience of acquiring said Slurpee can be tainted under the wrong (and often horrible) circumstances. Therefore, any 7-11 owner, franchisee, or even manager immediately should be disenfranchised, disbarred, disoriented and disembodied of their 7-11 status if, upon arrival to the Slurpee station, one finds any of the following: a) There is only one of four flavors working (penalty here shall be increased to tar-and-feathering if the one flavor is not Coke) b) There are four flavors working, however Coke is not included, and the flavors working include such atrocities as Mango and Mountain Dew Live Wire.
c) Coke flavor has been replaced with Pepsi and/or the even more obscene Diet Pepsi.Shame on you.On a final, more positive note, any 7-11 entrepreneur that utilizes an eight-flavor Slurpee station deserves the Presidential Medal of Deliciousness.
4My brains, his steel and your strength against 60 men, and you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy?....Why has J.Lo not become the top spokesperson for Jell-O yet?I cannot fathom how this brand alignment has not been made yet.J.Lo. Jell-O. It's gold.She can even promote a Gigli (and pronounce it Jiggly) flavor, like Jell-O is when you shake it.
4Farm boy, fetch me that pitcher....Where is D.D.A.?You know, Drunk Dialers Anonymous?Just a place for students to go once a week and tell people about their addiction.
"Hi, my name is Scott and I woke up this morning only to find I'd called my ex eight times and that my mom had left me a message telling me to stop calling my little brother at four a.m., especially on school nights."Phase 2 of D.D.A.: Drunk IMer's Anonymous.
4Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given.I am not a great fool, so clearly, I cannot choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!....Once step 1 of Operation Win Mega Millions Lotto Jackpot is complete (i.e. I win), one of my first missions will be to find P. Diddy and play a game of Cristal Pong with him.Now of course you're thinking, Smitty will definitely win, due to his hours spent honing his beer-pongedness in the ranks of the college system.But I have a feeling that my supreme beer-ponging skills will be evenly matched by the fact Mr. Diddy puts down bottles of Cristal on any occasion, whereas I put down cans of Beast.
4You only think I guessed wrong -- that's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha-ha, you fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is "Never get involved in a land war in Asia," but only slightly less well known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian, when DEATH is on the line!"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!Ha ha ha....Ah the stop and tie method, such goodness. Walking toward a door with a group of people, and you're the front person in the group.You realize, "Oh crap, I'm gonna have to hold the door for everyone."What do you do? Stop and pretend to tie the shoe.People pass, you stand up, and there's a kind soul holding the door for you.Never fails.Another common variation of this method is the ever popular stumble in which you feign tripping (or in my case, I tend to trip on a normal basis when I walk as I have the walking skills of a two-year- old, so that's just normal for me) on something just enough that the second person in the group passes you and is relegated to doorman duties.I'll say one thing though.It's truly a pleasure to see the true door master.That is, the second person in line who is alert enough to pick up on the first person dropping out of the leadership position, and is quick enough to pull his own maneuver completely catching the third person off guard, leaving the third person as the leader in a move which can only be described as worthy of Sportscenter Top Plays.
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