A summer job can be quite a humbling experience for an admitted intellectual elitist like myself. Here I am, a student at one of the best universities in the country, and yet each summer I am reduced to little more than a mouthpiece for movie times and outrageous popcorn and drink prices.
Yes, I work at a movie theater.
It's not a bad job. I get paid reasonably well, and I make a fortune in free movies. Plus, I got to see Batman three weeks before anyone else, which is its own reward. Overall, I enjoy my work, menial though it may be. What bothers me, however, is the "service with a smile" attitude with which I must perform my duties. Any question, no matter how stupid, must be answered humbly and politely. Let me illustrate just how difficult this can sometimes be.
I now present the top eight (because I couldn't think of ten) stupid questions I have been asked as a theater employee. Following the questions are what the "service" attitude forces me to say, followed by what I would like to say.
8. Is this where you buy tickets?
Actual Response: Yes sir. What would you like to see?
Desired Response: No sir, actually we sell Mary Kay products here. The giant neon sign reading "Tickets" is just a clever façade.
7. Two tickets please.
AR: Absolutely! Which movie would you like?
DR: Yes sir, but as our title, "Megaplex 12," would suggest, we actually show more than one film here at any given time. Since I can't read your mind and would avoid it if I could, it might be helpful if you specified which you'd like to see.
6. When does "Dukes of Hazard" come out? That looks great!
AR: This August.
DR: Do the gene pool a favor and kill yourself.
5. (While staring at three popcorn containers in ascending size) Is the one in the middle medium?
AR: Yes sir.
DR: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
4. I didn't like the movie. Can I get a refund?
AR: I'm sorry sir. We don't do that.
DR: Oh absolutely! We guarantee the quality of ALL motion pictures, especially those starring LL Cool J, the finest actor of our time. Frankly, I'm shocked that you didn't enjoy "Mindhunters" more, and I hope you'll come back again for Vin Diesel's next flick. I hear he's remaking "Junior," and that couldn't possibly disappoint.
3. Can I get two tickets to "Monster in Law?"
AR: Sure.
DR: SLAP!
2. Yeah
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