Seriously, can men and women be friends? Can the long nights of deep conversation and ice cream realistically end each time with both people in their respective beds?
We have all considered the possibilities of dating our 'best' friend, who knows us better than any of our exes and has been by our side through the "bad and the ugly." Some of us may have even crossed that line previously.
In the case of friends who become a couple, trust can live eternally within the relationship if the friends maintain the openness that characterized their previous relationship. However, consider the case of the friends who cross the line purely in a sexual nature. Do they pass each other and hold genuine conversation without imagining the naked skin of the other, or do they salvage the great intimacy with the voiding of conversation? Whatever the case, the new closeness will always alter the relationship. Hopefully, your friends will not broadcast your moments of intimacy, transforming the friendship into the forbidden idea --"friends with benefits" -- because the trust and commitment is always debatable after that point.
The reality is that men and women can only be friends with people that they find attractive in some sense. Let me clarify this before my female friends question my motivations. In truth, we only interact heavily with people that we can laugh with, relate to, talk to and bond with. Thus, our "best" friends are those that have numerous qualities that we seek in a partner. Pay attention to the use of the phrase "best friends," because those okay friends -- also known as associates or somewhat good friends -- may have one good quality but not the conglomerate of attributes characteristic of best friends. In essence, the best friend, if physically attractive, will inherently pose a huge temptation simply by being "the best friend." In only two situations is this likely to be untrue -- when the best friend has done something that annoys you, signifying that he or she possesses that one quality that would trouble any intimate relationship, or when the person and you have already experienced a relationship.
What about the couple who try to be friends following a breakup? Does jealously permeate every post-breakup conversation, or do the two forget the past and recognize the explicit differences that have led to their current situation? Arguably, the male and female that were friends prior to their relationship have a foundation and a model for establishing the friendship, unless the relationship ends on a nasty note. In the case of the couple that was never friends prior to the relationship, however, discontent will very likely arise unless the relationship ended well and the two parties recognized their differences.
Whatever the case is, in any of these situations of inter-sex friendship, the reality is that sexual tension may arise. Answering the question of the possibility of female-male friendship, how you naturally respond in the midst of a sexually tense situation will be indicative of its possibility in your life.
Movies such as "Brown Sugar" and "When Harry met Sally," as well as the retired "Sex & the City" series, have created for many of us an illusion of perfection in a friends-turned-partner relationship. Just remember the complexities.
Kurt Davis is a Cavalier Daily Health & Sexuality columnist. He can be reached at kurt@cavalierdaily.com.
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